Postpartum Depression: My Dirty Secret

I've often thought about the possibility of sharing my postpartum depression experience with the world, and I've hesitated up to this point simply because depression really isn't something that the church as a whole likes to talk about. It's messy, dark, lonely, and very difficult for most people to talk about, which is why I assume no one does.

For me, PPD began right after birth, and I had no idea what it was. I thought I was going crazy, and I was so ashamed of the thoughts and fears in my mind and heart. I remember staring at Katelyn, watching her breathe in and out, holding my own breath waiting for her to breathe. I was convinced that my baby was going to die. I was convinced that I would hurt her, that Andrew would hurt her, that her sisters would hurt her. I had nightmares while I was awake, and I had more nightmares when I tried to sleep. I would go to bed, and set me alarm every hour to get up and check on her, often waking myself up in startled terror that I had slept too long in between checks. Eventually, I would fall into an exhausted sleep coma, which would result in me sleeping too late into the mornings. My routine was terrible, and I remember feeling like such a failure. I couldn't make my fears go away, my faith wasn't strong enough, my mind wasn't strong enough, my body wasn't strong enough. I felt as if I was walking in a cloud everywhere I went, and nobody knew. I couldn't talk about it because I was so ashamed, and so scared that maybe I really was losing my mind. The whispers, the voices, the fear, the anxiety clutching at my throat. I couldn't breathe, but I also couldn't share.

...And isn't that the most heartbreaking shame we as the modern church have inflicted on one another? The need to be perfect, the need to have "it" all together all of the time, heaven forbid we ever really expose our real hearts, our real messes, our real selves. We are so worried about being perfect Christians, that we miss out on the perfect fellowship that we could have with one another. True Christian fellowship is meant to draw us closer to each other and closer to our good God. We should be able to come together as broken people, broken people who will carry each other to the feet of Jesus and remind us to rest, broken people who could come together and love each other, if we simply let each other in…

And that was where I was failing,  I couldn't let anyone in to my shame. I couldn't let anyone know that I was so in love with my new baby girl, and so in love with our new family, but completely and utterly falling apart on the inside.

About 6 months into Katelyn's life, I finally broke down. Andrew had seen the worst of me, and I'm sure the kids did too. I had made hints of what was going on in my mind, but still couldn't put everything into words. I knew I needed help, so one day I called my doctor, and with a shaky voice tried to play off my terrifying thoughts. I tried to keep my cool while I downplayed my nightmares, but thankfully, my doctor was a God-send, and saw right through my tricks. She cut right to my heart, and exposed all of my (self-believed) ugliness. She knew I was hurting and afraid, and thankfully knew how to help. I was placed on a low-dose treatment and sent home, my little yellow bottle of shame tucked safely away where no one would ever see it.

…We convince ourselves, as Christians, that we must be perfect. We convince ourselves that being anything other than happy and blessed and joyful will surely be the end of us. We hide away in our perfect little homes, perfect little families, perfect little churches and church programs, and how many of us really open up and let people see our "little yellow bottles of shame"?…

The problem with this line of thinking, is, that mental disorders are not shameful, because they are not something we control. I spent months and months trying to outrun my own mind, but no matter how much I prayed, no matter how much I read my Bible, my anxious thoughts still returned.

Was I a bad Christian? Or was I a hurting Christian, in need of a medical treatment? After a long while, I finally came to accept the latter, and accept in my heart that I did in fact need help, and that I wasn't a bad Christian for needing it.

Brother and sister, we are all faced with ugly, shameful things. Some of those things have been the result of a choice we made, some of those things were done to us without our permission, and some of those things were completely outside of our control…but we do ourselves a disservice when we run and hide from them, and we do our family of Christ a disservice when we pretend that they don't exist.

As the body of Christ, we should be able to drop our masks and just be. Dirty sinners who are in need of The Savior. Broken people who are in need of The Great Physician. Shameful people who are in need of God's forgiveness and grace. We are all the same, and we ought to draw close to one another and help one another through these times. We are called to carry each others burdens, and I for one, am ready to admit mine.

I have been in very dark places in my life. I have been through guilt, fear, grief, regret, and anguish…but my Father God is The great healer, and He has washed me clean of all of those ugly things. Maybe it's time that you came to the alter and let yourself be washed clean too, maybe you need to be healed from the pains you've been carrying around. Don't be afraid to let those marks show, what will be revealed in the end will be shiny and new, fit and complete for God's work, not lacking anything.

Hope in The LORD

"He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. 

Even youths grow tired and weary, 

and young men stumble and fall; 

but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. 

They will soar on wings like eagles; 

they will run and not grow weary, 

they will walk and not be faint." 

- Isaiah 40: 29-31

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I don't know if there's anything more encouraging in this life than to know that our Savior God is in control. 

Life gets crazy, we lose jobs, we are faced with hard decisions, loved ones die, we are persecuted, we absorb pressure from the world, and we grow weary, don't we? It's part of life, and it's easy to be overcome with emotional fatigue. 

I talk to a lot of women who tell me how tired they are. They feel the weight of the world on their shoulders, and at times, it's very hard to escape the feeling of a crushed spirit. Women, I believe, are more susceptible to this feeling. We are often the "feelers" of this world, wanting to comfort, wanting to mend, needing to be heard and understood, and ultimately, protected. Men, on the other hand, are so different. Men need to fix. Men move on quickly, and often their needs are more practical than ours. Their fatigue is felt more in a physical way, but it is still just as real. We as humans are very needy people. We are broken, and it is impossible for us to fix ourselves. 

But the good news is that God designed men and women to compliment one another, and greater still, is that our Creator God designed our relationship with Him to be one of complete dependance. We are not designed to walk through this world alone. We are designed to fulfill a perfect relationship with our Creator God, Who, dying on the cross, took our sins, and made a way for us to be in complete union with Him at all times. The Holy Spirit now dwells within us, and we are never alone, and we never need to wade through the struggles of this life alone. 

"He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak…"

If you are feeling as if you have nothing left to face this new week with, than take heart, God has promised to give you strength, and He promises to give you what you need to keep going. Though we are tired, and feeling like we are at the end of ourselves, God's power is still mighty, and He does not grow weary. He will come to you and rescue you, knowing that there is nothing you can do on your own! 

"...but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength…"

So often we try to do life within our own strength, and that is why we feel so tired. We try to fix our situations ourselves, assuming that we know what is best. We run after the desires of our hearts, based on worldly standards, and so often lose sight of what's really important in this life. We set our eyes on a prize that was never meant for us, and we feel crushed with disappointment when those dreams don't come to fruition. We put hope in ourselves, and trick ourselves into thinking that we're in control. 

But we're not. God is. 

Our job, as His children, is to depend on Him. 

What does it mean to hope in The LORD? What does it mean to rest in Him, and find our strength in Him? It means submission. It means letting go. It means letting God take your life, and do with it what He wants, and allowing Him to fill your heart with peace when you finally surrender and lay everything down at His feet! 

He will take care of us, but we need to let Him. We need to be willing to surrender and place our hope in The God of heaven Who created you, loves you, redeemed you, and has a perfect plan for your life. 

You don't need to feel crushed in spirit, you don't need to feel weary. Lay it all down at Jesus' feet, and allow Him to minister to your heart, filling you with hope and strength for a new day. Face tomorrow with peace, knowing that God is with you, and there is nothing in this world that can ever touch you, because you are filled with The Holy Spirit who is sustaining you! 

There is no greater comfort than that. 

Moments of Crisis

"I sought the LORD, and He answered me; 

He delivered me from all my fears." 

- Psalm 34:4

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One of our daughters has been struggling lately, re-living the death of her Mom, questioning if there's a God, questioning whether there really is a Heaven or not, and if there is- if she can really go there and see her Mom again one day. She's been questioning my relationship with her Dad, our marriage, and our new family.

This has been a really difficult time for us, watching her navigate these feelings, trying to answer her questions and reassure her, and then also having to stand back at times, realizing that so many of these questions she's going to have to answer herself. 

I can't force belief. I can't force faith. 

We all desire for our children to grow in the knowledge and strength of our LORD. We all desire for them to love Jesus, depend on Him, follow Him, and choose Him over all else. We want them to grow in inner beauty, dignity, patience, kindness, love, humility, generosity, and every good thing that God intends for us…

But what do we do as parents, when our children choose another path? What do we do with their questions, their doubt, and their unbelief? What do we do when they hit a crisis of faith? 

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This has been an enormous weight for me to carry, because I so desperately want my children to follow God. We've instructed them, lived out our lives before them, demonstrated faith in action, and my golly, we've also sat them down and drilled it into their heads! Again and again we've talked, and explained, and defended…yet here we are...with a questioning adolescent. 

God's had to heal my heart through this, had to reassure me that it's not a problem I'm causing, and that questions are part of life, and yes, part of growing our faith too. Through this process, I have learned that sometimes it's THROUGH our doubt, that God can answer us more clearly, and reveal His truth to us. 

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Scripture tells us to seek God, to give Him our fears and doubts, and that He will hear us and help us. 

"I sought the LORD, and He answered me; He delivered me from all my fears." - Psalm 34:4

We have a God who is not afraid of our doubt. We do not have a God who is far off. He gently tells His children to come to Him, sit on His lap, talk a while, and pour out our hearts. We can go to Him for all of our needs, and even when we're having a hard time believing, we can limp our way to Him and trust that He will restore our faith. 

These moments need not turn into moments of crisis, when we rest in the truth that our Father God is always near, and always willing to deliver us. God is with my doubting child. He is with her when she's hurting and afraid. He will carry her through this season of grief, and He will restore her! 

And God is with us too, weary parent. He will strengthen our hearts, give us the words we need to say, and He will give us wisdom to know when it's best to say nothing at all. Our job is to help our children, but ultimately it is always God who heals and brings comfort. He is the deliverer of all our fears. 

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As a parent, I need to find my rest in that promise. I need to trust that my Father God is in control, and allow that to bring me peace and relief! We don't need to carry the weight of the world on our shoulders, and we don't need to worry. We can encourage our children to go to God with their questions, we can seek Him together as a family, and we can wait for Him to deliver us through every hardship.