Postpartum Depression: My Dirty Secret

I've often thought about the possibility of sharing my postpartum depression experience with the world, and I've hesitated up to this point simply because depression really isn't something that the church as a whole likes to talk about. It's messy, dark, lonely, and very difficult for most people to talk about, which is why I assume no one does.

For me, PPD began right after birth, and I had no idea what it was. I thought I was going crazy, and I was so ashamed of the thoughts and fears in my mind and heart. I remember staring at Katelyn, watching her breathe in and out, holding my own breath waiting for her to breathe. I was convinced that my baby was going to die. I was convinced that I would hurt her, that Andrew would hurt her, that her sisters would hurt her. I had nightmares while I was awake, and I had more nightmares when I tried to sleep. I would go to bed, and set me alarm every hour to get up and check on her, often waking myself up in startled terror that I had slept too long in between checks. Eventually, I would fall into an exhausted sleep coma, which would result in me sleeping too late into the mornings. My routine was terrible, and I remember feeling like such a failure. I couldn't make my fears go away, my faith wasn't strong enough, my mind wasn't strong enough, my body wasn't strong enough. I felt as if I was walking in a cloud everywhere I went, and nobody knew. I couldn't talk about it because I was so ashamed, and so scared that maybe I really was losing my mind. The whispers, the voices, the fear, the anxiety clutching at my throat. I couldn't breathe, but I also couldn't share.

...And isn't that the most heartbreaking shame we as the modern church have inflicted on one another? The need to be perfect, the need to have "it" all together all of the time, heaven forbid we ever really expose our real hearts, our real messes, our real selves. We are so worried about being perfect Christians, that we miss out on the perfect fellowship that we could have with one another. True Christian fellowship is meant to draw us closer to each other and closer to our good God. We should be able to come together as broken people, broken people who will carry each other to the feet of Jesus and remind us to rest, broken people who could come together and love each other, if we simply let each other in…

And that was where I was failing,  I couldn't let anyone in to my shame. I couldn't let anyone know that I was so in love with my new baby girl, and so in love with our new family, but completely and utterly falling apart on the inside.

About 6 months into Katelyn's life, I finally broke down. Andrew had seen the worst of me, and I'm sure the kids did too. I had made hints of what was going on in my mind, but still couldn't put everything into words. I knew I needed help, so one day I called my doctor, and with a shaky voice tried to play off my terrifying thoughts. I tried to keep my cool while I downplayed my nightmares, but thankfully, my doctor was a God-send, and saw right through my tricks. She cut right to my heart, and exposed all of my (self-believed) ugliness. She knew I was hurting and afraid, and thankfully knew how to help. I was placed on a low-dose treatment and sent home, my little yellow bottle of shame tucked safely away where no one would ever see it.

…We convince ourselves, as Christians, that we must be perfect. We convince ourselves that being anything other than happy and blessed and joyful will surely be the end of us. We hide away in our perfect little homes, perfect little families, perfect little churches and church programs, and how many of us really open up and let people see our "little yellow bottles of shame"?…

The problem with this line of thinking, is, that mental disorders are not shameful, because they are not something we control. I spent months and months trying to outrun my own mind, but no matter how much I prayed, no matter how much I read my Bible, my anxious thoughts still returned.

Was I a bad Christian? Or was I a hurting Christian, in need of a medical treatment? After a long while, I finally came to accept the latter, and accept in my heart that I did in fact need help, and that I wasn't a bad Christian for needing it.

Brother and sister, we are all faced with ugly, shameful things. Some of those things have been the result of a choice we made, some of those things were done to us without our permission, and some of those things were completely outside of our control…but we do ourselves a disservice when we run and hide from them, and we do our family of Christ a disservice when we pretend that they don't exist.

As the body of Christ, we should be able to drop our masks and just be. Dirty sinners who are in need of The Savior. Broken people who are in need of The Great Physician. Shameful people who are in need of God's forgiveness and grace. We are all the same, and we ought to draw close to one another and help one another through these times. We are called to carry each others burdens, and I for one, am ready to admit mine.

I have been in very dark places in my life. I have been through guilt, fear, grief, regret, and anguish…but my Father God is The great healer, and He has washed me clean of all of those ugly things. Maybe it's time that you came to the alter and let yourself be washed clean too, maybe you need to be healed from the pains you've been carrying around. Don't be afraid to let those marks show, what will be revealed in the end will be shiny and new, fit and complete for God's work, not lacking anything.