How I'm Doing These Days

Grief is such a hard journey to walk through. There are days I almost forget the pain, and then days when I am completely overcome. There are days I just want to give up, and days I feel strong. I have moments of peace, and then moments of anger, moments of jealousy, and then moments of guilt. My emotions can turn in a blink, and I often find myself crying over the smallest of things. I've tried to find practical ways to ease the pain, but I'm finding that they are only temporary fixes, the pain always returns by evening.

I've struggled with wanting my life to return to normal. Wanting my schedule to return to normal, wanting my heart to return to normal, wanting my Dad to return to normal, and for our family to be whole again. But there is no normal anymore, there's no going back to what was, and we are all just limping along trying to find our new way of doing life. I can't force my new life into the old box, and expect anything at all to ever be what it was.

We had such a beautiful life with Mom. She really was the best, and her absence is just felt everywhere, in every tiny detail. Every meal we make, every time her chair sits empty, every activity without her, every holiday, every milestone, every new word learned by our children, every new step, every sunrise and every sunset...she is missed. My whole being aches to have her back, but death could never be more final. There's no coming back, and Heaven feels like an eternity away.

I've been told so many things since Mom died. People have told me to rejoice because Mom's in Heaven. People have told me to get rid of her things because she doesn't need them anymore and they mean nothing. People have told me that Mom wouldn't want me to be sad. People have told me to be patient. People have told me not to make any big life changes. People have told me to be kind to myself, and allow the pain to come. I've received so many answers…but nothing erases the pain, nothing heals the separation.

My hope is still in Jesus, and in the promise of Heaven. I talk to Jesus all day long now, because He is all that I have. The world continues to spin around without me, and there is nothing I hate to see more. Don't these people know how much pain we're in? Why haven't their lives stopped too? Why is it just me sitting here isolated in my grief? Am I the only one who remembers my beautiful Mom?

People have gone on with their lives, and assume we're doing OK because on the outside, our lives have continued. Andrew is back to work full time, he's filling in the pulpit when need be, I'm back at church and socializing. I've even found the strength to put myself together and look presentable most days. From the outside, our kids look normal, and our family unit seems fine. But on the inside, I am in so much pain most days, that I have to hide away in the bathroom just to catch my breath, allow the tears to fall, and collect myself. I still spend my days at Dads, coming home in the evening when it's time to put Katelyn to bed. I spend my driving time in the morning and night praying, crying out to God, trying to make sense of all that is happening. I come home every night depleted and exhausted, with very little left to give to the girls and Andrew. They have been so patient with me, knowing this has been hard, but guilt still settles over me by bedtime, feelings of weakness, because I just can't seem to juggle it all.

Grief doesn't care about my to-do lists, the things I have to get done, or the people depending on me. Grief doesn't care when it attacks, when it weakens, when it wounds. It just swallows you up, and rejoices in your brokenness. Grief is ugly, demanding, and cruel. It steals away my truth and replaces it with lies. It tells me life will never get better, and so I live in constant contradiction: what the grief tells me, and what God tells me. It's completely exhausting in every way, a real spiritual battle.

There's no better way to explain it: I'm at battle. I'm fighting to regain my life, regain my joy, regain my peace. I'm fighting for my Dad, for his heart, and the healing needed there. I'm fighting for normalcy, for comfort, for hope. I'm trying to be faithful to God, obedient to Him, and to the truths Mom taught me. I'm trying to walk through the pain, anticipating the promise of God's delivery. I'm trying so very hard, but being attacked with every step I take. I am at battle.

Please keep praying for us, keep praying for these things I've shared. It's not easy to let people into your grief, it's not always easy to be transparent and vulnerable, so I ask for your support, and not words of correction. The Holy Spirit will do the leading and correcting when needed, what we really need from you is just love and support. Thank you for walking this journey with us, and being patient with our brokenness.

Water into Wine

Yesterday's sermon was from John 2, where Jesus turns water into wine. We were studying the passage, learning how Jesus was willing to reveal His power in order to increase the faith of those around Him, and how He really is into the details of our lives. If The God of Heaven cares about the small things like our food and drink, certainly He also cares about our day to day problems, our grumbling, our heart issues, and our broken places.

This tiny miracle of turning bad, undrinkable water, into the very best wine, was really not tiny at all, because it reveals God's heart for His people: Our problems are not too small for Him to notice. Our needs are not insignificant to Him, and He knows exactly what we need for our faith to be encouraged and grown.

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I'm in a place of waiting right now, and to be honest, the waiting hurts.

After losing my Mom, I've been begging God for healing. Begging Him to help my Dad, restore the joy in our lives, give us strength to keep living, give us a renewed purpose. I've been crying out to Him for 2 months now, and I see so very little change. We're all still breathing and going about our lives, but there's an emptiness inside that just can't be ignored. Our hearts are broken, and we need the touch of our Savior.

I think that may be what hurts the most: I know God is able, but for whatever reason, He's just not willing to act right now.

I know all it would take for our hearts to be healed is one simple word, one breath, one touch of His hand…but for now, God is withholding Himself. He's telling us to wait. Requiring that we walk through this pain and suffering, and refusing to take away our pain. I know God is here in the details, but He feels so very far away.

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As Christians, we have to be OK with feeling far away from God, but knowing that we aren't. We have to be able to filter life, and all of life's problems, through the truth of who we KNOW God to be. We have to examine scripture, examine the life of Jesus, and come to a place where we know Who our God really is, and what He is capable of, and we have to learn to trust it. To know Jesus intimately, and trust Who He is, and Who He says He will be.

I know my God is able to take away every pain, to heal every wound, and to make every wrong right. I know He is here with us now in our suffering, and I know He could take it away in an instant if He wanted to. I know He is kind and loving and just. I know He is merciful, present, and good. And it's because I know these things, that my heart also knows deep down that one day God will reveal His plan, and heal our hearts.

I can keep holding on, keep praying for my own miracle, because I know God is listening, and I know He sees me. He is here in our details, and He knows the condition we are in, and I know that one day, He will take our bad, and make it good. He will turn our water into wine, and deliver blessing out of our pain.

My Best Friend

"But there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother."

- Proverbs 18:24

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Since losing my Mom, I've been forced to learn a lot of things, change my habits, and reconcile with a new way of doing life. One of the hardest things for me has been accepting the hole in my life where my Mom used to be. I thought that I could simply patch over the hole, ignore the hole, and depend on others to naturally fill the hole. But no matter how much my heart tries to come up with an easy fix, there is just no way I can fill that empty space. That space belonged to my Mom, my best friend, and no one can fill her role, or be her stand in. 

It hurts to feel so alone. I've never experienced this before, and my heart is just so sad and lonely. Mom knew everything about me, accepted me as I was, pushed me to be better, encouraged me, and loved me unconditionally. I shared my life with her, the good, the bad, and the ugly. And realizing that there's no one left on Earth that I can have that relationship with, hurts. Women understand women, and Mom's understand daughters, and there's just no replacing that relationship. Andrew can't do it, Dad can't do it, the ladies in my church can't do it, and my friends can't do it. 

There's just a hole in my heart that will never be filled. 

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Looking at this through spiritual eyes, I know I need to let Jesus fill the hole in my heart. I know I need to learn to depend on Him, go to Him when I need someone to talk to, and rely on His love, tenderness, care and concern in the ways that I used to depend on my Mom. 

God will fill my aching heart back up, if I could only learn to carry it to Him when I'm hurting... 

I've never needed God to be my best friend. I've never needed God in such a deep way, that leaves me crying out in desperation. But I'm at that point now, and God is teaching me that I have to surrender to Him, and treat Him like the God He promises to be. 

Proverbs 18:24 tells us that we have a friend who is closer than a brother, and that friend is Jesus. He knows everything we are going through, every thought we have before we speak. He knows the beginning and the end, and He knows what we need. He is always present, always loving, always working on our behalf, and always loyal. He promises to be our best friend, if we only let Him. 

So often we let our Earthly relationships fill up our time and priorities. Because our Earthly relationships are tangible and visible, we somehow let them take the place of our best friend, Jesus. But in losing my Mom, I'm realizing that I've had this wrong all along. Though it was good for me to love my Mom the way I did, and have a deep relationship with her, I never should have let her replace the spot that God claims in my life. My Mom was my dearest friend, but she wasn't my savior, and losing her has helped me put my relationship with God into true perspective. As humans, it's easy to put our trust on things seen, on people seen, but we should never lose sight of Who our true best friend is, and we should never let anything on Earth replace our relationship with God. 

It took losing my Mom for me to see this, and I'm trying hard now to cling to Jesus for my every need, understanding more fully that this is what He has always desired for me to do. I suppose this is true for every Christian, as we walk through life. Are we really letting God have the spot in our life that He desires? Are we replacing Him with Earthly relationships? Is our perspective off? Mine was, and slowly, God is fixing it. 

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LORD, help me to rely on You today. Help me to call upon Your name when I am feeling so alone, and help me to see that You truly are my best friend. Heal the places in my heart that are broken and lonely, and fill me up with You. I know You are enough. 

Mother's Day in Heaven

It's Mother's Day weekend, our first Mother's Day without Mom. I've already decided to disconnect from Facebook and social media on Sunday, and I won't be going to church. There's just no reason to torture myself with all of the "Happy Mother's Day" posts and comments this year, our wounds are still too raw.

I think about Mom everyday, I talk about her, remember her, and miss her, but this weekend seems harder, seems wrong to celebrate, when our hearts are so sad...

But even though my Mom is in Heaven this year, and I'm left here on Earth, I still want to honor her and celebrate her, because my Mom is certainly worth celebrating and remembering.

I've been especially emotional this last week, realizing that I'm going into my 31st week of pregnancy, the same week that Mom went into labor with me. I've been thinking about her heart, and all the things she must have been feeling that week, knowing that her baby girl was coming so early.

Mom was rushed from Utica to Syracuse when she went into labor, Dad tells the story of racing after the ambulance in his car because he wasn't allowed to ride with her. There was a better NICU in Syracuse, and they were preparing for the worst for me. Mom was put on bed rest, and given medication to slow down the labor process and increase my lung growth. She stayed in bed for a week, I'm sure in emotional and physical agony, anticipating my arrival and all that a preemie baby would mean. She delivered me at 32 weeks, and I stayed in the hospital for the first 8 weeks of my life. I was kept in an incubator, on a breathing machine, and Mom used to tell me stories about the terror when my alarm would go off, signaling that I had stopped breathing. She used to lay in bed at night listening for the alarm to sound, and I can't even imagine the mental and emotional strain that she went through during those first weeks. Long trips to and from the hospital each day, having to leave me behind, not being able to hold me, not being able to kiss me and rock me to sleep. Not knowing if I'd live or die, cradling my tiny head between her fingers, my life was so fragile and small, but my Mom's heart was also completely in love, and she did everything she could to care for me and nurse me to health. She sacrificed so much for me, loved me so deeply, and prayed for me. She fought hard for my little life, and I owe everything to her, and the faith she gave me over to. Mom committed me to Jesus, and it was the very best place she ever could have put me, because through her faith, and in Jesus' arms, I thrived, and grew, and no one would ever know now that I was a teeny tiny baby, weighing in at 3 lbs.

Mom always kept my heart monitor leads wrapped up safe in her cedar chest, along with my tiny preemie clothing. I think they stood as a testament to her, a remembrance of what God had done, and the prayers He had answered. My Mom had such a tender heart, and I know remembering these things was important to her.

As I look ahead to my 31st week, and the eventual delivery of my own baby girl, I can't help but draw the comparisons, can't help but put myself in her shoes, and wonder how I would do if it were me. I just can't imagine the heartache and concern, the worry and fear of loss. But the legacy Mom left for me was not one of fear, but one of faith. Mom demonstrated in life all that she knew to be real and true, and that was her faith in Jesus Christ, and it was that faith that carried her through life, and eventually to Heaven.

I know that she would tell me now to keep holding on to Jesus, through the loss of her and the pain my heart carries, and also through the delivery and birth of my own baby girl. Mom can't be here to help me, can't be here to celebrate Maggie's arrival, hold her, sing to her, or love on her like she would have. But the faith my Mom taught me is here, and real, and I can wrap my baby girl in it, and raise her in it, and teach her all of the things that my Momma taught me. Those eternal parts of my Mom will live forever, and I will hold onto them, and give them to my little girl so that she always knows the love of her Grandma, Momma, and Savior.

I can honor my Mom, by living out the faith she taught me, and facing this hard life with assurance in my heart that one day all will be well. I wish with all I have that I could hold my Mom one more time, have her wrap me in her arms, and feel her love and strength. But as I grieve, as I hold tight to my memories, I know my Father God is wrapping me in His love, and giving my heart strength to keep beating. He is the same God who carried my Mom throughout her life. He is the same God who carried my Mom through my early delivery, the same God who carried my Mom through all the heartache and loss she faced, and He IS the same God who carries me now, and will BE the same God who sees me through. He will be the same for me today, that He was for her then, and I know I can hold onto Him, and have assurance in my heart that He is here, and making all things well in His time.

I will always celebrate my Mom, and carry her in my heart, so thankful for the woman she was, and for the love she poured into me. I will honor her by living my life by faith, surrendering to Jesus, and the plan He has for my life. Mom demonstrated the strength I need to live by now, and because of her diligence, I'm prepared, though I may feel so very weak. My heart knows The Truth, even when my emotions get the best of me, and I will continue to hold onto that truth through this first Mother's Day without Mom, and through the rest of my life. I will carry her in my heart, and let her example be my guide. And I will always be eternally grateful for who my Mom was, for her legacy that remains, and for the hope I have in Jesus that assures me I will see her again one day.

Until then, Momma, Happy Mother's Day in Heaven, I love you…

When My Heart is Overwhelmed

"From the end of the earth will I cry unto Thee, 

when my heart is overwhelmed: 

lead me to The Rock that is higher than I." 

- Psalm 61:2

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I've been feeling very overwhelmed lately. Anticipating the birth of our daughter, Maggie, having our home on the market and keeping it in tip top shape 24/7, searching for a new home, dealing with realtors, banks and home inspectors, wading through my grief and the struggle in my heart, searching for God in all of this pain, trying to come to terms with our new life, life without Mom, and somehow still trying to manage day to day tasks, taking care of the kids, and having something left to give my husband at the end of the day. I've been feeling very depleted, and exhausted. Mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually exhausted. 

The truth is, I'm not able to handle any of this on my own, and it's when I try to do it all within my own power that I begin to feel overwhelmed. 

The Psalmist, David, is a good example for us here, when we are trying to fix life on our own, and feeling so much pain. David knew that God was with him everywhere he went, was his defender, his protector, his provision, his comfort, his peace, and his friend. David not only knew that God was all of these things and more, but he also remembered to call on God, and include Him in his agony. David knew where to go when he needed help, was obedient to call out to God, express his need, and wait for God to deliver him. 

Those three key words: remembering God, including God, and waiting for God are so very important for the Christian, as we try to grow in our LORD, and keep our focus on Him through the trials of life that come our way. 

So often, we try to fix things within our own power, convincing ourselves that we are in control, and have the answers we need. As sinful humans, we act within our own means, rebelling against the need for a Father God who is in control. We want to do it ourselves, but one of the key lifestyle changes for a Christian, is submission. We have to acknowledge that God is the One who is in control, and in the middle of our trial, we have to remember   God, and the true role that He has in our lives. We can't try to do things on our own, and still keep God where He is supposed to be. We must submit fully, and remember God. 

It's in the remembering who God is, that we are able to see our need for Him, and our need to include Him in our pain. We have to come to a place where we recognize that we cannot accomplish anything on our own, and ask God for help. He wants us to call upon His name, He wants us to trust Him with our situation, and ask Him for help. He wants to be included in our plans, in our hurts, in our sorrows, and also in our joys. 

And once we do that, once we invite God into the dark places of our lives, we are able to fall on Him, His strength, His power, His provision, His love, His tenderness, His mercy, His divine plan, and we are able to lay all of our burdens down, and wait for God to act. He will deliver us every time, but some trials last longer than others, and sometimes the waiting is also part of God's plan, and how He is refining us. Learning to wait is one of the hardest things we have to do as humans, but God requires our trust, and we must submit to Him. 

Through the trial of losing my Mom, I have to keep God's truth ever before me, or I lose my way. I have to remember these three key words, and return to my Rock of salvation every minute of every day. He will lead me through, when I keep my eyes focused on Him. His ways are higher, His plans are better, all of His ways are good. I can trust Him with my heart, and run to Him when I'm overwhelmed.