The girls' Mom has been gone for 4 years now, and as I've thought about the anniversary coming & now passing, I'm always filled with so many emotions. There are so many parts to our story that hurt my heart, and there's nothing that I'll ever be able to do to remove that pain. My Husband has lost a wife, there are places in his heart that will always feel that loss, and there's nothing I can do. My children have lost a parent, have had prayers answered in a way they didn't like, their faith has been rocked, there's a hole in their heart, and again, there's nothing I'll ever be able to do to fill it. I tell Andrew all the time that I wish I would have known when Kelly was dying, I would have come to him, helped him, loved him…but of course, that wasn't possible, he was married to another women then. It wasn't my place, and even now, it's not my place. That's a part of my families life that I'll never be able to touch, though my love may soothe the ache.
I've tried to wrap my mind around God's will, and to be honest, I still don't understand it, and I'm not sure I ever will. Why would God choose to take home a 33 year old women who was happily married with two little girls to love and care for? Why would God take her, and leave me? I was single, unattached, so why not me instead? There are times I feel such enormous guilt and pressure for being the one standing in her place. Sometimes I look at the girls, and all I can say is: "I'm sorry it's me here, and not your Mom. I don't know why God did it, and I know you feel cheated. I'm sorry I'm not her, I'm sorry your heart hurts." Because even though I do believe that I'm able to do some good in their life, and I do believe I can love them and care for them, at the end of the day, I can't be Kelly for them, I can't be her.
As a wife and Mom, I want to be the one to heal my family. I want to be the one to hold them, love them, and be the one they not only want, but the one they need. But in this case, I can't fix the hurt. I've had to learn that God's will is outside of my human understanding, and that pains like this can only be healed with God's grace. I've had to learn to pray for my husband and children, and the broken places in their hearts, knowing that God is The only One who can save them from the pit.
I don't understand in so many ways why I'm here and Kelly's not, but maybe it's because I needed to learn these things. Maybe God knew I needed to learn selfless love, love that doesn't need to be returned, love that doesn't require anything, love that steps in and says: "I'll take care of you in her place, I'll hold you while you miss someone else…" Maybe God knew that my heart needed to grow and expand, be broken, and rebuilt into a better version…one that would reflect His own in a better way. I certainly haven't learned selfless love in it's entirety, but I'm learning more every day.
This is the story that God has given my family, and it's not our place to question, all we can do is move forward. God has His reasons, and I'm convinced that sometimes- there's no reason beyond the fact that we live in a fallen world. Sin happened, and now we die. Some people live beyond cancer, and some people don't. Some prayers are answered with "yes", and some are answered with "no", and some answers will never be heard until we reach Heaven and have full understanding. God's will is not always for us to understand, but we do have to accept it, and we do have to find a way to learn from it and do the best with what we have.
My husband and children will always carry a piece of grief in their hearts. There will always be a part of them that longs to be with Kelly again, but I'm thankful to God that by His grace, they've also learned to walk in joy. Happy days outweigh the sad ones, and good memories outweigh the bad ones. God has healed them enough so that they've learned to keep going, keep living, and even allow another love in.
And that's where I fit into the story. I'm here because God healed my husband enough to let him love again, and he chose me. The girls may not have chosen me, but over the years they have learned to love me in their own way, and accept a new family, new siblings, and a new way of doing life.
I praise God today, through the tears, that even though pain comes in this life, happiness comes too. God doesn't leave us in our grief, questioning forever. He heals us, reveals truths to us, and gives us strength to keep going. He's done that for my family, and He promises to do it for you too. Whatever path you're on, whatever God's brought you to, you can trust that He'll get you through it. We're living proof that He will.
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