Casting the Burden

"Cast your burden on the Lord, and He will sustain you; 

He will never permit the righteous to be moved."

- Psalm 55:22

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I know there are certain stages to grief, steps I'm supposed to pass through in order to come to a place of healing. I've been to a counselor, I've read the pamphlets and how-to grief books, and I know how this is all supposed to go. On paper. But that's the problem, paper is neat and orderly. Paper can be read through, checked off, and discarded. But life is not so easy, grief, is not so easy. 

As a Christian, people expect grief to be even neater, tied up in the pretty bow of Heaven. "Your loved one is in Heaven!" seems to be the answer that everyone gives, the answer that is supposed to take away all of the pain. But I've known Jesus for over 25 years, my relationship with Him is solid, my hope for Heaven is secure, and that tiny neat bow doesn't wrap anything up for me, I am still filled with so many questions and emotions, strings in my heart that have yet to be tied up. 

I've struggled lately with knowing what to do with these loose strings, because, as I say, my faith is supposed to tie them up. I've lived one way my entire life, thinking and expecting one thing, but then Mom died, my world fell apart, and nothing seems neat and orderly any more. My faith is still there, God is still there, but my heart is different, my heart is broken...

Churches don't often talk about what to do when you have a broken heart. They don't often talk about what to do when you're in a faith crisis, a place of agony, a place that seems so dark even the hope of Heaven can't shine through. So I'm left to wade through these waters alone, searching scripture, and searching for God's heart in all of this. I'm left with questions I can't answer, and emotions I can't heal. 

The conflict in my heart is this: 

God is good, and not capable of doing bad things, but losing my Mom is not good, and will never be good. Seeing my family in such agony is not good, and will never be good. My Dad lost his other half, our children lost their Grandma, and those things are not good, and will never be good. 

So what then? 

What do I do with my questions, what do I do with my anger, what do I do with my pain? As a follower of Jesus Christ, how do I filter my questions through the truths I still believe in scripture? I still believe that God hasn't changed, but how do I reconcile all the "bad stuff" with my good God? Is it possible? 

As much as I've wanted to run away lately, the answer I'm receiving from God is "yes."  Yes it is possible to reconcile my pain, because God is not afraid of my questions, anger, or emotions. He does not dismiss me, He does not turn His back on me, and He will never take back my salvation when I have moments of doubt. He is still my good Father, and He wants to hear from me. He tells me to cast my burden on Him. 

Right now, my emotions are raw, my heart is hurting, and I'm broken. But God knows that. He's not angry with me for feeling these things, and He understands where I am. Jesus was fully human while on Earth. He experienced and felt every kind of feeling you and I will ever have. He knows. And in the middle of my brokenness, I have to keep trusting that He knows, that He remains good, and that one day…even years from now, if need be…God will turn my "bad stuff" into good. I may never understand it, and I may not even live long enough to see it, but when I reach Heaven and see God face to face, He will make it all OK. 

So right now I'm facing my anger head on. I'm crying out to Jesus in a way I never have, and I'm allowing myself to feel all of these ridiculous stages of grief, because I know I have to. I can't bury these things, or hide them away. I'd be doing myself, my family, and those watching my grief journey, no good. Because despite what some Christians may tell you, there is no pretty neat bow, life is a struggle, grief is a struggle, and faith- in many cases- can be a struggle. I am working it out with my God, and bringing Him my honest heart, and at this point, I can't imagine that He requires anything more. 

The act of casting my burden has to be enough, laying everything I'm going through at the feet of Jesus. And once I lay it there, God will help me work through it, and bring me through to the other side. My faith will be stronger, tested and refined. It may never be wrapped up tight in a pretty bow, but it will be complete, not lacking anything.