I started writing this the day I went into labor with Maggie, not knowing I was in labor. I had it up on the computer when Andrew got home, and said: "I can't work on this right now, I'm in too much pain" having no clue that our baby would be arriving in just a few hours. I just found it on the computer again today, and thought it was still worth sharing.
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June 25, 2016:
I haven't written in a while because the words in my heart have been jumbled, I've been feeling out of sorts and emotional. We are scheduled to welcome our baby girl into our world in just 6 short days, and that reality is surely doing a number on my heart.
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I've been so overcome with sadness the last few weeks, desperately longing for my Mom. I want to experience this with her, have her sit by my hospital bed and hold my hand, whisper reassuring words, and explain all of the medical things that I don't understand. She was the greatest nurse, and her spirit brought so much comfort and peace, and I've been aching for her, missing her comfort in such an overwhelming way.
My Mom is gone. She's never coming back. And there are just days where I can't quite wrap my mind around that fact, can't quite bring myself to accept it.
Day to day activities are so much easier to handle, mundane things that don't mean much. I can go about my life for a while, ignoring the pain….but bringing my child into the world? Yeah, that's a milestone where Mom should be.
Mom should be waiting for us in recovery, she should be holding my baby girl when I wake up, tear stains on her face, telling me how beautiful Maggie is, and how I did good. She should be here for a 3rd generation photo, to pick out cute little outfits, and to hear her soft coos. Mom should be here for snuggles, bedtime songs, and bubble baths. She should be here for all of the firsts, all of the excitement, all of the joy.
She should be here, but she's not, and there's no way to share this with her. That reality just doesn't seem fair, doesn't seem right, and doesn't feel like something I want to do.
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Coming to terms with this is hard, and it's harder still because I'm battling with a God I've always loved, always believed in, and never questioned.
How do I reconcile my pain, and all of this heartache, with a good God, Who doesn't do bad things? How do I keep on praying for peace and comfort, when I don't feel comforted? How do I keep living out my witness to a broken world, when I, myself, am broken?
Let me make this one thing clear: deep down in my heart of hearts, I still know, deeply know, that God is here with me. I know He hasn't changed in the last 3.5 months since losing Mom, I know He's still good, and I still know He's working all things out for our good.
But it doesn't feel good.
It doesn't feel right.
And right now, I just can't see beyond the pain.
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Andrew told me last night: "Maybe you're just supposed to feel this pain right now. Maybe it's not so much that God's not answering your prayers for comfort at all, but rather, telling you 'No, you need to feel this.'" And knowing God the way I do, I suppose he's right.
God wouldn't have me go through this if there wasn't a greater purpose. He wouldn't require pain that wasn't meant for my ultimate good. Right now, through my aching heart, those reasons just don't feel good enough. I'd rather have my Mom here than learn a faith lesson. I'd rather go on living my life the way it was with Mom than go through this valley of darkness and despair. But God requires more. He requires that His children give their all to follow Him. He requires sacrifice, and discomfort. And in His great love for me, He desires more for me: deeper faith, deeper understanding, deeper communion with Him, and a deeper love, completely committed to Him.
This is the story God requires, the plan He has for my life. I have to keep trusting Him through it, and trusting that He'll see me through.
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