In Deepest Waters

"...Your grace abounds in deepest waters

Your sovereign hand

Will be my guide

Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me

You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name

And keep my eyes above the waves

When oceans rise

My soul will rest in Your embrace

For I am Yours and You are mine…"

-"Oceans" by Hillsong United 

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There are times in our Christian walk when we are faced with a challenge, and it becomes obvious to us again how little we actually know, how limited our abilities, and how desperate we are, and still very much in need of our Savior's hand. 

These times of falling on our face are necessary, because it's easy to coast along thinking to ourselves that we've got this life thing figured out. But, oh, how wrong we often are, how futile our attempts. 

We need Jesus every minute of every day, but it's in the storms that we cry out to Him more, and often when we realize the most how faithful and good our God is to see us through. 

We need these times of crying out to God, because it's in falling on Him, and relying on Him, that we actually find freedom and purpose. Because the beautiful thing about Jesus, is, He's in the business of restoration, and through every trial we face, and every heartache we endure, Christ is always redeeming us, and giving our pain purpose. This is how we learn, this is how we grow, this is how our relationship with our God deepens. 

These times of pain are necessary, and because we know our God is good, we can trust that through the storm, God is working it all out, and actually teaching us along the way. 

His grace abounds in deepest waters, and He will always see us through. 

Seasons

Spring is starting to show it's face here in Upstate New York. It may have arrived later than we would have liked, but as always, with the years before, one day I woke up and I could just tell the difference in the morning sun and in the sounds of birds chirping outside of my window.

No matter how long, how dark, or how cold the winter is…spring always comes, seasons always change. Just as sure as the sun will rise and the sun will set, time will continue to march on, that's the way God fashioned our world, how He created the Seasons to be.

And so it is with our lives as well. We go through seasons of doubt, seasons of despair, seasons of unanswered prayers and heartache. But just as sure as the sunrise, our God is faithful, and no matter how long the darkness seems to last, He always brings us back into light, and will always renew our hearts.

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Seasons are a very real part of our Christian walk. Just as our earth needs winter, spring, summer and fall to renew the ground, the plants, animals and harvest; our spiritual selves need seasons too.

There are times when God needs to bring us through the darkness of winter so that we can learn to depend on Him more, to follow His leading, to cling to Him. There are times when our spirits need to be renewed or changed, and so we go through a season of spring where God is pruning us, shaping us, growing us for our greater good. And then there are the lazy days of summer, when the sun shines on our faces and we know in our hearts that God is good. And lastly, in the fall, after pruning and growing, and lavishing in the sunshine, our fruit is ripe for picking, and we are harvested, or used, to further God's work.

We need these seasons in order to be the people God always intended for us to be.

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As Christians, we don't so much mind summer or fall. Those seasons are pretty easy for us, when we go about our lives without too much resistance. But winter and spring…those seasons are tough, because those are the seasons when God is working hard on our lives, requiring more of us, and allowing us to go through trials that may hurt us. Those are the seasons when you may even feel alone, as if God has completely abandoned you, and you wonder if you'll ever see the sun shine again.

But what I want you to know, dear sister and brother, is that, God has not deserted you in your hard place. He has not left you alone, and He will not leave you there forever. Because just as the earthly physical seasons around us change, so do our seasons in life, and you can be sure that God is always working to bring you towards spring, to a place where His glory will be revealed in your life, and you will once again be able to feel the sun shining.

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I know there are many of you who are hurting right now, I know many of you find yourselves on the lonely path of winter, and it's been a hard road. I know some of you are carrying around broken hearts, searching for hope, and wondering if God really will ever answer your prayer.

I've been there. I've been in those hard places too. But for now, God has me in the seasons of summer and fall, and I am able to look back on the hard winter and proclaim: "God, You are good!" "God, You are faithful!"

I want to encourage you to keep waiting for God to move, keep anticipating His work in your life, and keep being faithful to Him as you wait. Ultimately, God will reveal Himself to you, and He will be glorified in your life, and even in your sufferings. The path you are on is not in vain, it is for a very specific purpose, and is part of the very perfect plan that God has for you.

The seasons around us will continue to change, and our hearts within also, but we can be sure that no matter what season God has us in right now, we can always trust Him, and He is always good.

Living in the Resurrection Power

"I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, 

and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead. 

Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me."

- Philippians 3:10-12 

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Easter weekend is behind us. Churches across the world were packed for the occasion, but all the pews sit empty now, visitors have all gone home, holiday meals have been cooked and consumed, easter candy is 50% off in all of the grocery stores, and now everyone's focus is on getting through the wet spring so that the warm, sunny summer can finally arrive.

But shouldn't Easter be more than that? Can this really be all there is? A simple holiday weekend, celebrated, but gone so quickly when Monday morning rolls around?

Not for us, sons and daughters of The King, not for us.

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No, for us, the resurrection of Christ, the reason we celebrate Easter, is what gives us life every day. We are alive, because Christ is alive, and every day we live in the resurrection power of our King.

When Christ came out of the tomb alive, He did more than resurrect Himself, He conquered death completely. Jesus overcame death for us, meaning that when we are in Him, we will never die! Do you know what living in that power means? It means that for the Christian, we don't have to fear death, we don't have to wonder what happens when we die, we don't have to be afraid when our loved ones die, because we know that Christ has overcome the grave, and we will live forever because of what He did for us.

Living in the resurrection power of Christ means that nothing on earth should frighten us. Because when we allow the depth of what God did for us, when we realize how amazing He is, how deep His love for us is, we will understand deep in our hearts that our God is capable of anything, and big enough to handle whatever may come. Nothing can hold my God down, not even death. And because we are in Christ, that power is given to us as well, giving us the promise that nothing can hold us down either. We are conquerors because of Christ's victory!

Living in the resurrection power of Christ means that financial struggles, loneliness, job situations, marital problems, the heartbreak of wayward children, health concerns, and even death- do not break us- because our God is bigger and mightier than all of those things.

What I want you to understand is that Christ gave up His life, died on a cross, and rose again 3 days later, for YOU, so that you could LIVE your life in His resurrection power. Christ's death has given us life, and our life is secure in Him, eternally! NOTHING can hurt you, not completely, because Christ holds your life and your heart in the center of His mighty hand, and He has WON!

This should give your heart so much joy, dear Christian, for Christ has overcome, and through His victory, you have too. Our hearts should be overflowing, our joy should be contagious, our contentment should be complete, and our worries should be few.

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Easter should be celebrated every day, reminding us of what Christ did for us, reminding us to live as victors, reminding us to live in the resurrection power of Christ.

But Why Is It Good?

"For these things were done that the Scripture should be fulfilled…" 

- John 19:36a

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The picture plays out in my mind. So vividly, so terribly, so full of detail. 

"They scourged Him" (John 19:1)

I see the leather whips coming down on His bare back. I hear the snapping sound it makes, I see the sharp glass and rocks cutting into His skin, ripping His flesh, I see the blood. 

"The soldiers twisted a crown of thorns and put it on His brow" (19:2)

I can feel the prick of pain, as in my mind I reach out at touch the thorns. They are piercing my LORD, they are marking His head, and again, I see the blood. 

"Crucify Him, crucify Him!" (19:6)

The crowds are screaming out. There's chaos in the streets. It's loud. I see the angry faces, I feel myself pushed about the crowd, watching helplessly by as the people you came to save reject you, and send you to your death. 

"And He, bearing His cross, went out to a place called the Place of a Skull, which is called in Hebrew, Golgotha, where they crucified Him." (19:17)

I can imagine in my mind how big and heavy that cross was. I can see the soldiers throwing it on your back, and ordering you to carry your cross up the mountain of Golgotha. The weight of such a burden must have hurt your heart so much, knowing where you were going. Knowing what would happen when you got to the top. But you went willingly, and you carried that cross, for all of us, for me. 

The soldiers took the cross, laid you on it, and crucified you. They drove spikes through your wrists and ankles, around your bones, ensuring that the muscles and tendons would hold you up. Those soldiers hurt you, caused you excruciating pain, but you went to the cross for them too. 

And then they raised you up, and after seeing to the well being of your mother, and taking a sip of sour wine, you gave up your spirit, and died. 

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It's difficult to read through John 19. It's difficult to come face to face with the reality of what we did to Jesus, our LORD. To face the pain he went through. To let the reality of what He did for us sink down deep into our hearts…it hurts. 

Tears stream down my face as I imagine my Savior walking this path, laying down His life in this way. Knowing how much He endured, because His love was so great. 

I feel the weight of shame and guilt, knowing that it was my sins that put Him there. Knowing that He had to go through all of that in order to save me. 

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So why is Good Friday, good? 

On the day that Jesus endured the cross, and laid down His own life for us, why do we call that day "good"?

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It's hard to wrap our hearts around, but we call this day good, because our Savior God, HAD to die in order to save us all from our sins. 

In Jesus' death, we all found life. 

In the shedding of Jesus' blood, we all found forgiveness.

In the prophecy being fulfilled, we all found everlasting life. 

Our salvation is secure, our hope concrete, because of what Jesus did for us today. 

Today is good, because despite the pain of remembering, we realize that it was in the events of this day, that our God saved us. 

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Carry Good Friday in your heart, dear Christian. 

Jesus, The Son of God, laid down His own life for you today. Because His love for you was so great. 

This is a good day for us, a day to be remembered. 

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Thank You, Jesus. Praise Your Holy Name. 

Betrayal

"When Jesus had said these things, 

He was troubled in spirit, and testified and said, 

“Most assuredly, I say to you, one of you will betray Me.”

- John 13:21

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We are in Holy Week as Christians, remembering the steps Jesus took for us this week, thousands of years ago, which ultimately led Him to the cross, where He gave up His life, and died for our sins. 

This is a holy time for us, because we are remembering, walking with, and identifying with our Savior. This week is what our entire faith comes down to, understanding that Christ had to die for us. Understanding that The Perfect Lamb had to be the final sacrifice for our sins, shedding His blood, and in so doing, washing us clean. Christ was sent to this earth to die, for you, and for me. He had to lay down His life, there was no other way.

Jesus was sent to earth by God The Father. Jesus, God's Son, was completely God and completely human at the same time. This means that Jesus, as a man, was tempted, hurt, had feelings like you and I had, got hungry, got tired, and had human emotions. But being fully God, also, meant that Jesus did not sin, He knew all, and His love was pure. Being God  meant that though Jesus was a man, He was perfect in every way, because God is not capable of sinning. Jesus' intentions were pure and holy. He came here for a purpose, and nothing would sway Him from fulfilling that purpose. 

He came here to die for us, knowing who we were, and knowing how the scene would play out. 

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This verse in John demonstrates the pure heart of Jesus in such a simple way, a human way that we can very much understand. This verse is speaking of Christ knowing His betrayer: Judas. Jesus says: "I know one of you will betray me" just hours before He will be led to Calvary, where He will be hung on the cross. 

The human element I'm speaking of here, that we all know so well, is betrayal. We have all felt it, all experienced that kind of heart pain before. If it had been you or I, there's no way we would willingly and lovingly lay down our life for someone who had hurt us so deeply. You or I could never make that kind of sacrifice, because our love is not pure. We have sin within our hearts, and we are not able to love and sacrifice the way Christ did for us. 

The beautiful thing about Jesus, is that despite knowing that we would hurt Him, knowing how much pain He would be in, and knowing all He would suffer...He laid down His life anyway. He loved us so purely, so deeply, and so infinitely, that He was willing to go through the most anguish and torture that you or I could ever imagine, to ultimately die, for you, and for me. 

Jesus' love was that great. Can you imagine? Have you let that sink down into your bones? 

You were so loved by The Creator, that He sent His Son, Jesus, and Jesus, being perfectly God and perfectly man, sacrificed His very life, so that we wouldn't have to die. But through  His shed blood on the cross, He paid the penalty, and took upon Himself all of our sins, so that we could be forgiven. 

Jesus did this, knowing how you and I would betray Him. Knowing all that the human race would do over the course of existence, knowing how we would hurt him. 

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See, this verse is speaking of so much more than just the betrayal of Judas Iscariot, this verse is also alluding to the betrayals that you and I commit everyday. Judas was just an example, of how we as Christians would ultimately love our God, and even through our best intentions, how we would all at one time or another betray Him. 

None of us are perfect, as our LORD was, but what I want you to see, is that Jesus knew all that. He knew that we would be ashamed at times, He knew we would be weak, He knew we would give into temptation. He knew we would lie, steal, and cheat. He knew we would lust, murder, and covet. He knew how ugly our hearts would be, how selfish and jealous we would be. He knew how we would treat one another, and He knew how at times, we would turn our backs on Him completely. 

He knew the sinful condition of us humans, and He loved us anyway. 

Loved us so much, that He willingly gave up His life, covering all of our sins, and offering us eternal life with Him. 

He loves you that much.

He loves me that much. 

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We are in Holy Week as Christians, remembering the steps our Savior once took for us. And as we remember, may we also hold in our hearts the deep love that brought Jesus there, knowing that it was by that love that Jesus laid down His life for you and I. 

How great our God is, how magnificent His name. 

My God is Able

My sandals are off.

My feet are bare.

I am standing on Holy Ground.


Father, I'm at Your throne, my heart poured out, where we've been so many times before.

You know the condition of my heart, and how badly I'm in need of Your grace.

My human condition tells me I'm hurt, tells me I'm angry, tells me I'm broken. And in my sinful state, I want to remain this way.

But Your Spirit within me convicts, and I know I must change, I know I must let go of my will, and be obedient to Yours.

This is the hardest thing You've asked me to do, and I just don't know if I'm able.

I don't want to forgive. I don't want to forget. And I don't want to be gracious.

I want to be mad.


But no matter how long I search Your word for permission, I'm just not allowed.

Give me the strength I need.

Fill me up with Your love, with Your mercy, and with Your power.

To cleanse me, to sustain me, to give me strength.

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Sometimes God brings us through trials that we never expect. Sometimes He requires more of us than we even feel able to do. But after months and weeks of carrying around this brokenness in my heart, I am now convinced that though I am not able, my God is.

My God is able to heal every wound.

My God is able to knit together all the broken pieces.

My God is able to give me strength that I've never known.

And my God is able to make all wrongs right.

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When my heart within me is broken and I'm at the end of myself,

My God is able.

Growing in Grace

"And God is able to make all grace abound toward you, 

that you, always having all sufficiency in all things,

may have an abundance for every good work."

- 2 Corinthians 9:8

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I'm a strong believer that God gives each of us an individual story in this life to not only teach us lessons, and allow us to help others in a similar situation, but more so, to draw us to our LORD, and bring glory and honor to Himself. And I also believe, that in order for God's name to be glorified, we, as His children, need to be telling our stories, and speaking of the good that He's done in our lives. 

You all know that I'm pretty vulnerable on this blog, pretty transparent about my life and the lives of those in my family. I can tell you that I'm that way because I believe in sharing my life, I believe in the power of speaking God's goodness, and I believe in building community through a shared life. I believe that God gives each of us a story to tell, and I have felt called to share mine with you. 

So I write, and I try to write honestly and openly, allowing God to use whatever situation I'm in. 

So today I'm going to dive right in, to my very personal, and very sticky situation. 

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Right now I'm on the journey of growing in grace. 

I say journey, because learning to love when my human heart doesn't want to love, and being kind when my human heart wants to be dismissive, and being compassionate when my human heart is jealous, is hard and not natural, and takes stretching, and changing, and growing. It's a journey. 

And I know that for this season of my life, God is heaping grace down from Heaven and telling me it's time to grow, time to learn, and time to be more like Him. 

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We are moving my husbands Ex-mother-in-law 2 hours away from her life-long home town, to be 10 minutes from us, so that she can be close to Abby & Lauren, and not have to miss seeing them grow up and all of the activities and adventures that 10 & 12 year olds are bound to have. It's important for us that the girls spend time with their Grandmother, and it's important to us that Diane not be alone. We are taking this step, knowing that ultimately, this is what God wants us to do, knowing that it's good for the kids and good for Diane. 

But if I'm being honest, to myself, and probably for Diane as well, our situation here is a little hard sometimes. 

It must be hard for Diane to come to my home, and hear her Granddaughters call me "Mom." It must be hard for her to see Andrew with me, and it must be hard for her to understand how they can move forward with their lives, after the devastating loss of Kelly. It can't be easy for her, none of it is easy, but she handles it with grace. 

Instead of undermining remarks, she shows me respect. Instead of critical comments, she shows me support. And instead of a cold dismissal, she welcomed me, and offers me love. And not just me, but my family, and my baby girl as well. 

Though our situation is not easy, God has given us grace to grow as a new family, and grace to love each other, even when it's not natural, even when it's hard. 

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There are times when seeing Diane is a glaring reminder of Kelly, and I have to battle with myself as the devil tells me lie after lie of how I don't belong, and how someone else should be here, and how I'll never be enough. There are moments when accepting my husbands Ex-Mother-in-law into my family just seems unnatural, not because of her, but because of the situation itself, and how hard that it. Wives are not usually asked to love their spouses Ex-family, it's just not normally what happens. But you have to remember, Kelly didn't walk out on Andrew, she passed away, so there's no real reason why her family would stop coming around. Diane is the girls Grandmother, and she has a right to be in their lives, and I have to respect that. 

Further more, as a Christian, I am called to love Diane, and show empathy and compassion to her, and love her as Christ loves her. I am called to stomp on all the painful things that Satan whispers to me, and allow grace to take over my heart, and let it drip from my being until my entire surroundings are covered in the love of God. 

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God has been working from the moment I met Andrew, to the moment I met his girls, through our wedding, and into my journey of being a new Wife and Mom. God has been healing hearts, softening and breaking through walls, and chipping away at my human desires that want to rebel. God has been shaping our family, knitting us together with a string that won't fray, and calling us to be new creations in Him. 

And though our family doesn't look like everyone else's, I am honored to have Diane in our life, and a part of my mismatched family. God's plans and designs are always perfect, even when they look odd to the human eye. 

And though the situation may be hard at times, God has given us all the strength to move forward, and embrace the hard, knowing this is the story God has given us. He has called us to this life, to this sticky situation, and it's our job to embrace it, learn from it, and grow into better people because of it. 

God doesn't make mistakes, and so our family didn't happen by circumstance. Our family came to be because God gave us to each other, and we are a gift to each other, not a burden.  And on the days that my emotions take over and I feel sorry for myself, I have to remember this, and know that God has me here for a reason, and this is exactly the place God wants me to be. 

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I am growing in grace daily, being stretched by His spirit, with the goal of someday entering His presence and hearing: "Well done."

I am growing in grace, growing closer to my Father, where I am able to sit at His feet, bask in His goodness, and reflect His mercy. 

I am growing in grace…

God's Perfect Design

"...I am fearfully and wonderfully made…"

- Psalm 139:14

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Andrew and I signed up for a program called the "21 Day Fix." I should have known from the promise that this program would jump start our bodies into lean mean fighting machines, that this would be the hardest 21 days of my life. The workouts are tough, and are pushing me harder than I've ever been pushed. But in 10 days, I've lost over 7 lbs, and 8 inches. It's really working. But the most amazing part to me, is that every day I push my body to do something very new, something definitely out of the norm, and every day when I feel like my body will give out, somehow it recovers and comes through for me. I'm learning to appreciate my body, realizing how amazing God truly made us. 

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I think about God forming me, all of my muscles and bones. All of my tendons and ligaments. He aligned my skeleton perfectly in place, not forgetting or overlooking one thing. He knew exactly what I would need, and created our bodies to work like little machines, with so many things going on at once. 

Our trainer on the DVD is always telling us: "You can do anything for 60 seconds!"…and after I'm done yelling at her, I realize, I really can do this, because God made my body to work this way! It's amazing.

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Time and time again I'm overwhelmed by God's amazing design. The way He created nature, so beautiful and breathtaking. The way He created animals, so cute and fun to interact with. But God's creation of human life far outshines the rest of His creation, because we are made in HIS image, and we reflect His wonder and magnificence, simply by breathing. 

God designed our bodies so perfectly, and I'm thankful to be learning this in a new way. Through this exercise program, I've been able to see God's amazing design, and grow an appreciation that I never had before. 

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Many of us struggle through life, resenting our bodies, hating our bodies, beating our bodies up. But they are a gift from our Creator, perfectly suited and crafted. I'm learning to be thankful for that, and thankful to my God for His design. 

Let God be Praised

"Let Israel rejoice in their Creator! Let the people of Zion delight in their King!"

- Psalm 149:2

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Today my oldest daughter turned 12, and my youngest turned 4 months old. One daughter I've adopted, and one daughter I've carried within me, but they are both mine, and they are both priceless to me. Their lives are so special, and they fill us with so much joy, and so we are celebrating their lives today. And in my heart, I am also praising The Creator of the universe, Who formed these little girls in His hands, perfectly and with purpose He created my girls, and then He gave them to me. They are a gift, let God be praised! 

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Let God be praised for the life He breathes into us. 

Let God be praised for His infinite wisdom.

Let God be praised for His loving care.

Let God be praised for His protection.

Let God be praised for His love. 

Let God be praised! 

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Christian sister or brother, our God is good, our God deserves praise, are you getting that? 

We have been given life, abundant life, and God gives us all of these good things so that we can rest in our Creator, and be filled with contentment, joy, and peace. God desires for us to live happy lives, filled with His Spirit, with praise continually on our lips. We were created to give glory to God, and live in His peace, our lives should be happy. 

Rejoice in Your Creator, delight in your King! 

He has given you a beautiful life, no matter what circumstance you may find yourself in today. You are breathing, you are loved by Almighty God…does anything else matter? 

In light of what God has given, and what God has done for us, there should be no room within us for anything but praise. 

We are His. 

He is ours.

And nothing, can ever separate us from the love of God. 

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Let God be praised in your life today.

Let your heart rejoice in your LORD.

Dying to Self: My Story

"I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds."

- John 12:24

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In my personal life, I've been learning lately, that in order for me to be effective and love my husband and children the way God requires of me, I have to die to myself and the way that is natural for me. I am constantly in a place of learning and growth, being stretched farther than I ever knew was possible. I have struggles to battle against, and I'm learning that in order to win these battles, I have to look at my life through the lens of Christ, and not with my own sight. 

There are times when being married to a widower is hard. Not because of anything that Andrew does, but because of all the lies floating around in my own head that I battle against. I had wanted, prayed for, and expected something very different while waiting for a husband. In my single years growing up, I had painted a picture of what my future would be, and it didn't consist of being married to a man who had once been married to another woman. But by God's infinite wisdom and mercy, He didn't bring me what I had imagined. He brought me Andrew. And that gift is both amazing, and terrifying at the same time. My heart has never loved anyone the way I love my husband, but I'm learning that even love cannot always make life easy. Because of our unique situation, there are things I've had to accept, things that hurt, and things that could come between us if I let them. This is when I've learned that I have to die to myself, letting go of the assumptions and lies, letting go of the insecurities, and choosing to see my marriage through the lens of Christ, and know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I am meant to be Andrew's wife. I have to stuff my pride, my jealousy, my competitive nature, and my fears down, daily, and allow Christ to create in me a new heart that is compassionate, giving, loving, and strong. Daily, He has to fill me up with Himself, otherwise, I cannot be the wife Andrew needs. When I forget this, and allow my own mind and heart to navigate, I get into trouble, and tread on waters that only bring us pain. 

But God didn't bring me Andrew to cause me pain, He brought Andrew to give my heart life, and to show me what God is capable of doing, when I surrender to Him. In contrast, when I surrender to Christ, my insecurities vanish. When I surrender to Christ, I don't compare myself to Andrew's first wife. When I surrender to Christ, my anger dissolves. When I surrender to Christ, my desire to love better grows, and He is able to shape me and mold me, and change me for the better. 

Being a Mom to two daughters who are not naturally mine, also has it's times of difficulty. There are days that are hard for all of us to get through, and then there are other days that seem so natural, that I could almost forget that I didn't give birth to them. There are moments that are hard for the girls, moments when I'll have to, once again, die to self, and my own feelings, and embrace my children and listen to their heart and the deep struggle that they carry. Life is not easy for them either, as God has also given them a unique challenge and life that they never expected. God has had to help me develop relationships with my own daughters, and at times that hurts. I never expected to have children who I didn't birth, and who had grown most of their childhood with another Mom. I never expected to face those challenges, but again, God answered my prayers for a family in a very unique way. 

There are times that it hurts me to know how much of my own children's lives I will never know about, never be a part of, and never have memories of. Those are the times when jealousy turns it's ugly head, and I allow the girls past to overshadow what we have now as a new family, and the role that God has allowed me to play in their lives now. 

There are times when it's easy for me to get upset, and wish for an easier path, but that would be selfish of me, unloving, and not at all grateful to God for the life He's given me. 

God has in fact, knit our new family together in a very unique and special way, despite it's challenges for all of us. We have grown in love for one another, grown deeper in our relationships, building trust and memories that hold us together. God has blessed our little family, and caused us to thrive more than I ever thought possible in this situation. But it's true that God is able to heal, to mend, and to give new life when we allow Him to breathe into us, and when we are willing to die to self. 

Dying to self requires discipline, and the desire to live better than we are capable of living on our own. I know that when I'm in the presence of my LORD, I am able to live better, love better, and fulfill the purpose that God put me on earth to fulfill. I choose to die to self every day because of my love for Andrew and the girls, and my desire to be the wife and Mom they need. My heart wants to do a good job at the task God has set before me, and to do it well, I know I have to give up my own priorities and agendas and follow what God has told me. It's in dying to self, that I am able to look past all the things that could hurt us, embrace what we have, and choose to live in joy, and in the power of Christ who strengthens me for every new day ahead. 

The life we have been called to live may not always be easy, and at some points may indeed be really hard. But when we are willing to die to self, and our own feelings, Christ is able to change our hearts, and equip us to live holier lives, focused on Him. This is when His joy is able to fill our hearts, when pure love is able to flow from us, and we are able to see the goodness that God has given. 

It's in dying to self that we are able to truly live the life God has called us to, and live it fully.