Dying to Self: My Story

"I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds."

- John 12:24

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In my personal life, I've been learning lately, that in order for me to be effective and love my husband and children the way God requires of me, I have to die to myself and the way that is natural for me. I am constantly in a place of learning and growth, being stretched farther than I ever knew was possible. I have struggles to battle against, and I'm learning that in order to win these battles, I have to look at my life through the lens of Christ, and not with my own sight. 

There are times when being married to a widower is hard. Not because of anything that Andrew does, but because of all the lies floating around in my own head that I battle against. I had wanted, prayed for, and expected something very different while waiting for a husband. In my single years growing up, I had painted a picture of what my future would be, and it didn't consist of being married to a man who had once been married to another woman. But by God's infinite wisdom and mercy, He didn't bring me what I had imagined. He brought me Andrew. And that gift is both amazing, and terrifying at the same time. My heart has never loved anyone the way I love my husband, but I'm learning that even love cannot always make life easy. Because of our unique situation, there are things I've had to accept, things that hurt, and things that could come between us if I let them. This is when I've learned that I have to die to myself, letting go of the assumptions and lies, letting go of the insecurities, and choosing to see my marriage through the lens of Christ, and know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I am meant to be Andrew's wife. I have to stuff my pride, my jealousy, my competitive nature, and my fears down, daily, and allow Christ to create in me a new heart that is compassionate, giving, loving, and strong. Daily, He has to fill me up with Himself, otherwise, I cannot be the wife Andrew needs. When I forget this, and allow my own mind and heart to navigate, I get into trouble, and tread on waters that only bring us pain. 

But God didn't bring me Andrew to cause me pain, He brought Andrew to give my heart life, and to show me what God is capable of doing, when I surrender to Him. In contrast, when I surrender to Christ, my insecurities vanish. When I surrender to Christ, I don't compare myself to Andrew's first wife. When I surrender to Christ, my anger dissolves. When I surrender to Christ, my desire to love better grows, and He is able to shape me and mold me, and change me for the better. 

Being a Mom to two daughters who are not naturally mine, also has it's times of difficulty. There are days that are hard for all of us to get through, and then there are other days that seem so natural, that I could almost forget that I didn't give birth to them. There are moments that are hard for the girls, moments when I'll have to, once again, die to self, and my own feelings, and embrace my children and listen to their heart and the deep struggle that they carry. Life is not easy for them either, as God has also given them a unique challenge and life that they never expected. God has had to help me develop relationships with my own daughters, and at times that hurts. I never expected to have children who I didn't birth, and who had grown most of their childhood with another Mom. I never expected to face those challenges, but again, God answered my prayers for a family in a very unique way. 

There are times that it hurts me to know how much of my own children's lives I will never know about, never be a part of, and never have memories of. Those are the times when jealousy turns it's ugly head, and I allow the girls past to overshadow what we have now as a new family, and the role that God has allowed me to play in their lives now. 

There are times when it's easy for me to get upset, and wish for an easier path, but that would be selfish of me, unloving, and not at all grateful to God for the life He's given me. 

God has in fact, knit our new family together in a very unique and special way, despite it's challenges for all of us. We have grown in love for one another, grown deeper in our relationships, building trust and memories that hold us together. God has blessed our little family, and caused us to thrive more than I ever thought possible in this situation. But it's true that God is able to heal, to mend, and to give new life when we allow Him to breathe into us, and when we are willing to die to self. 

Dying to self requires discipline, and the desire to live better than we are capable of living on our own. I know that when I'm in the presence of my LORD, I am able to live better, love better, and fulfill the purpose that God put me on earth to fulfill. I choose to die to self every day because of my love for Andrew and the girls, and my desire to be the wife and Mom they need. My heart wants to do a good job at the task God has set before me, and to do it well, I know I have to give up my own priorities and agendas and follow what God has told me. It's in dying to self, that I am able to look past all the things that could hurt us, embrace what we have, and choose to live in joy, and in the power of Christ who strengthens me for every new day ahead. 

The life we have been called to live may not always be easy, and at some points may indeed be really hard. But when we are willing to die to self, and our own feelings, Christ is able to change our hearts, and equip us to live holier lives, focused on Him. This is when His joy is able to fill our hearts, when pure love is able to flow from us, and we are able to see the goodness that God has given. 

It's in dying to self that we are able to truly live the life God has called us to, and live it fully.