Sweet Baby D

Sweet Baby D, 

I've been praying for you, sweet baby, asking God for you, and waiting for Him to answer "Yes." And this week He did, and I saw two little pink lines that told me you were very real, and growing inside of me. 

You're only a few weeks old right now, but I'm already feeling signs of your little life, and my heart is bursting with love and protection for you! I've been through pregnancy before, but I still find myself overwhelmed, being sure to do every little thing the way I need to, to make sure you stay safe. 

Our family has already begun dreaming of the little person you will be: boy or girl, blond haired or black. We've been swapping name ideas, and bedroom layouts, making sure that we're prepared for your arrival! 

You are already so loved, and so special to us. You will complete our little family in just the perfect way, the baby of 3 other siblings. Your older sisters will teach you so much, and you will teach them things too, like no one else could. 

You are perfectly designed and created by God, and completely known by Him. He is holding you now, forming you now, protecting you now. And God's work is always perfect and complete, and I will wait with great anticipation to meet you in July! 

I praise God for giving you to us, and feel so so blessed to be your Mommy! Keep growing strong, sweet baby, we love you! 

Mommy

A Letter to Katelyn: Mommy's Pregnant!

You're too little to understand what's happening now, but Tuesday night we announced to your sisters that Mommy is pregnant, and there are so many things that I want to explain to you too.

You are my precious baby girl, my first born, and you will hold that special place in my heart forever. Carrying you inside of me was the greatest gift, and the bond we share now is amazing. Our days together are the most precious gift, and I love every little thing about you. And that's why Daddy & I decided to have another baby, because we love you so much!

We know there are things that we can't give you as just Mommy & Daddy. You'll need a playmate, an adventure buddy, a scape goat, a best friend. And though I'd love to be your best friend for the rest of your life, I know a little brother or little sister would be better for you.

Together you'll be able to learn and grow. You'll be able to depend on one another, and help each other through life. You'll need each other for when you're older, and you'll form a friendship that will last you a lifetime.

And that is what I wanted to give you, the gift of a best friend.

Mommy & Daddy will need to split our time for a while when the baby comes. We know they'll need us in different ways than you do, since you're a little older. We know this may be hard for you at first, but we also know that with time you'll come to love this little addition so much too!

I've been watching you for months with your little baby dolls and baby kittens, and I know you'll be a great big sister! You have such a tender heart, and soft approach. You sweetly rock your babies, and sing to your kittens, and always want to help feed them and take care of them. I know you'll help me with the new baby, and I'm sure it will completely melt my heart to see you showering love down on your baby sibling.

You are such a joy, and beautiful little girl, and I can't wait to watch you keep growing and learning. You fill a role in this family that no one else ever could, and we completely adore you!

I know the experience of bringing a baby home to you will be so priceless to us! I can't wait to see who you become, and how you will grow into your new role as a big sister in this family!



All my love,

Mommy

Postpartum Depression: My Dirty Secret

I've often thought about the possibility of sharing my postpartum depression experience with the world, and I've hesitated up to this point simply because depression really isn't something that the church as a whole likes to talk about. It's messy, dark, lonely, and very difficult for most people to talk about, which is why I assume no one does.

For me, PPD began right after birth, and I had no idea what it was. I thought I was going crazy, and I was so ashamed of the thoughts and fears in my mind and heart. I remember staring at Katelyn, watching her breathe in and out, holding my own breath waiting for her to breathe. I was convinced that my baby was going to die. I was convinced that I would hurt her, that Andrew would hurt her, that her sisters would hurt her. I had nightmares while I was awake, and I had more nightmares when I tried to sleep. I would go to bed, and set me alarm every hour to get up and check on her, often waking myself up in startled terror that I had slept too long in between checks. Eventually, I would fall into an exhausted sleep coma, which would result in me sleeping too late into the mornings. My routine was terrible, and I remember feeling like such a failure. I couldn't make my fears go away, my faith wasn't strong enough, my mind wasn't strong enough, my body wasn't strong enough. I felt as if I was walking in a cloud everywhere I went, and nobody knew. I couldn't talk about it because I was so ashamed, and so scared that maybe I really was losing my mind. The whispers, the voices, the fear, the anxiety clutching at my throat. I couldn't breathe, but I also couldn't share.

...And isn't that the most heartbreaking shame we as the modern church have inflicted on one another? The need to be perfect, the need to have "it" all together all of the time, heaven forbid we ever really expose our real hearts, our real messes, our real selves. We are so worried about being perfect Christians, that we miss out on the perfect fellowship that we could have with one another. True Christian fellowship is meant to draw us closer to each other and closer to our good God. We should be able to come together as broken people, broken people who will carry each other to the feet of Jesus and remind us to rest, broken people who could come together and love each other, if we simply let each other in…

And that was where I was failing,  I couldn't let anyone in to my shame. I couldn't let anyone know that I was so in love with my new baby girl, and so in love with our new family, but completely and utterly falling apart on the inside.

About 6 months into Katelyn's life, I finally broke down. Andrew had seen the worst of me, and I'm sure the kids did too. I had made hints of what was going on in my mind, but still couldn't put everything into words. I knew I needed help, so one day I called my doctor, and with a shaky voice tried to play off my terrifying thoughts. I tried to keep my cool while I downplayed my nightmares, but thankfully, my doctor was a God-send, and saw right through my tricks. She cut right to my heart, and exposed all of my (self-believed) ugliness. She knew I was hurting and afraid, and thankfully knew how to help. I was placed on a low-dose treatment and sent home, my little yellow bottle of shame tucked safely away where no one would ever see it.

…We convince ourselves, as Christians, that we must be perfect. We convince ourselves that being anything other than happy and blessed and joyful will surely be the end of us. We hide away in our perfect little homes, perfect little families, perfect little churches and church programs, and how many of us really open up and let people see our "little yellow bottles of shame"?…

The problem with this line of thinking, is, that mental disorders are not shameful, because they are not something we control. I spent months and months trying to outrun my own mind, but no matter how much I prayed, no matter how much I read my Bible, my anxious thoughts still returned.

Was I a bad Christian? Or was I a hurting Christian, in need of a medical treatment? After a long while, I finally came to accept the latter, and accept in my heart that I did in fact need help, and that I wasn't a bad Christian for needing it.

Brother and sister, we are all faced with ugly, shameful things. Some of those things have been the result of a choice we made, some of those things were done to us without our permission, and some of those things were completely outside of our control…but we do ourselves a disservice when we run and hide from them, and we do our family of Christ a disservice when we pretend that they don't exist.

As the body of Christ, we should be able to drop our masks and just be. Dirty sinners who are in need of The Savior. Broken people who are in need of The Great Physician. Shameful people who are in need of God's forgiveness and grace. We are all the same, and we ought to draw close to one another and help one another through these times. We are called to carry each others burdens, and I for one, am ready to admit mine.

I have been in very dark places in my life. I have been through guilt, fear, grief, regret, and anguish…but my Father God is The great healer, and He has washed me clean of all of those ugly things. Maybe it's time that you came to the alter and let yourself be washed clean too, maybe you need to be healed from the pains you've been carrying around. Don't be afraid to let those marks show, what will be revealed in the end will be shiny and new, fit and complete for God's work, not lacking anything.

Hope in The LORD

"He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. 

Even youths grow tired and weary, 

and young men stumble and fall; 

but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. 

They will soar on wings like eagles; 

they will run and not grow weary, 

they will walk and not be faint." 

- Isaiah 40: 29-31

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I don't know if there's anything more encouraging in this life than to know that our Savior God is in control. 

Life gets crazy, we lose jobs, we are faced with hard decisions, loved ones die, we are persecuted, we absorb pressure from the world, and we grow weary, don't we? It's part of life, and it's easy to be overcome with emotional fatigue. 

I talk to a lot of women who tell me how tired they are. They feel the weight of the world on their shoulders, and at times, it's very hard to escape the feeling of a crushed spirit. Women, I believe, are more susceptible to this feeling. We are often the "feelers" of this world, wanting to comfort, wanting to mend, needing to be heard and understood, and ultimately, protected. Men, on the other hand, are so different. Men need to fix. Men move on quickly, and often their needs are more practical than ours. Their fatigue is felt more in a physical way, but it is still just as real. We as humans are very needy people. We are broken, and it is impossible for us to fix ourselves. 

But the good news is that God designed men and women to compliment one another, and greater still, is that our Creator God designed our relationship with Him to be one of complete dependance. We are not designed to walk through this world alone. We are designed to fulfill a perfect relationship with our Creator God, Who, dying on the cross, took our sins, and made a way for us to be in complete union with Him at all times. The Holy Spirit now dwells within us, and we are never alone, and we never need to wade through the struggles of this life alone. 

"He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak…"

If you are feeling as if you have nothing left to face this new week with, than take heart, God has promised to give you strength, and He promises to give you what you need to keep going. Though we are tired, and feeling like we are at the end of ourselves, God's power is still mighty, and He does not grow weary. He will come to you and rescue you, knowing that there is nothing you can do on your own! 

"...but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength…"

So often we try to do life within our own strength, and that is why we feel so tired. We try to fix our situations ourselves, assuming that we know what is best. We run after the desires of our hearts, based on worldly standards, and so often lose sight of what's really important in this life. We set our eyes on a prize that was never meant for us, and we feel crushed with disappointment when those dreams don't come to fruition. We put hope in ourselves, and trick ourselves into thinking that we're in control. 

But we're not. God is. 

Our job, as His children, is to depend on Him. 

What does it mean to hope in The LORD? What does it mean to rest in Him, and find our strength in Him? It means submission. It means letting go. It means letting God take your life, and do with it what He wants, and allowing Him to fill your heart with peace when you finally surrender and lay everything down at His feet! 

He will take care of us, but we need to let Him. We need to be willing to surrender and place our hope in The God of heaven Who created you, loves you, redeemed you, and has a perfect plan for your life. 

You don't need to feel crushed in spirit, you don't need to feel weary. Lay it all down at Jesus' feet, and allow Him to minister to your heart, filling you with hope and strength for a new day. Face tomorrow with peace, knowing that God is with you, and there is nothing in this world that can ever touch you, because you are filled with The Holy Spirit who is sustaining you! 

There is no greater comfort than that. 

Moments of Crisis

"I sought the LORD, and He answered me; 

He delivered me from all my fears." 

- Psalm 34:4

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One of our daughters has been struggling lately, re-living the death of her Mom, questioning if there's a God, questioning whether there really is a Heaven or not, and if there is- if she can really go there and see her Mom again one day. She's been questioning my relationship with her Dad, our marriage, and our new family.

This has been a really difficult time for us, watching her navigate these feelings, trying to answer her questions and reassure her, and then also having to stand back at times, realizing that so many of these questions she's going to have to answer herself. 

I can't force belief. I can't force faith. 

We all desire for our children to grow in the knowledge and strength of our LORD. We all desire for them to love Jesus, depend on Him, follow Him, and choose Him over all else. We want them to grow in inner beauty, dignity, patience, kindness, love, humility, generosity, and every good thing that God intends for us…

But what do we do as parents, when our children choose another path? What do we do with their questions, their doubt, and their unbelief? What do we do when they hit a crisis of faith? 

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This has been an enormous weight for me to carry, because I so desperately want my children to follow God. We've instructed them, lived out our lives before them, demonstrated faith in action, and my golly, we've also sat them down and drilled it into their heads! Again and again we've talked, and explained, and defended…yet here we are...with a questioning adolescent. 

God's had to heal my heart through this, had to reassure me that it's not a problem I'm causing, and that questions are part of life, and yes, part of growing our faith too. Through this process, I have learned that sometimes it's THROUGH our doubt, that God can answer us more clearly, and reveal His truth to us. 

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Scripture tells us to seek God, to give Him our fears and doubts, and that He will hear us and help us. 

"I sought the LORD, and He answered me; He delivered me from all my fears." - Psalm 34:4

We have a God who is not afraid of our doubt. We do not have a God who is far off. He gently tells His children to come to Him, sit on His lap, talk a while, and pour out our hearts. We can go to Him for all of our needs, and even when we're having a hard time believing, we can limp our way to Him and trust that He will restore our faith. 

These moments need not turn into moments of crisis, when we rest in the truth that our Father God is always near, and always willing to deliver us. God is with my doubting child. He is with her when she's hurting and afraid. He will carry her through this season of grief, and He will restore her! 

And God is with us too, weary parent. He will strengthen our hearts, give us the words we need to say, and He will give us wisdom to know when it's best to say nothing at all. Our job is to help our children, but ultimately it is always God who heals and brings comfort. He is the deliverer of all our fears. 

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As a parent, I need to find my rest in that promise. I need to trust that my Father God is in control, and allow that to bring me peace and relief! We don't need to carry the weight of the world on our shoulders, and we don't need to worry. We can encourage our children to go to God with their questions, we can seek Him together as a family, and we can wait for Him to deliver us through every hardship. 

Rest

"Be at rest once more, O my soul, for The LORD has been good to you." 

- Psalm 116:7

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Today is the 14th anniversary of the 9/11 attack on our country. If I turn on the news right now, the still horrific images will be plastered across my screen, victims and heroes are being interviewed, and everyone is remembering... 

It's easy to remember the fear we all felt that day. It's easy to remember the terror, the devastation, the death, and the evil that took place that day. Our minds hold onto those feelings, and as a nation, we'll never forget. 

But as Christians, we have to understand that pain and destruction are not the end. We do not live in fear of what has happened, or what may come, because we know that God is still in control, and through every event that comes, He is still good. 

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Our scripture today tells us to be at rest once more, for The LORD has been good to us. But what does that mean? How do we live a life of rest, when our world is in such turmoil? Quieting our minds and hearts can be hard, but it's something we have to learn to do in order to live in God's rest. 

God does not desire for us to be slaves to worry and fear, He does not want us to live our lives encumbered by the "what if's" of this world, afraid of what's around the corner. Instead, God desires for us to rest in Him. 

He has left with us His Holy Spirit, Whom now dwells within us, and is present with us to give us comfort and peace, and all we need to do is ask Him for it. God desires to pour out His love and healing presence over you, He desires that we give Him our worries and our doubts, in order that we might clear our minds and hearts and feel true peace which only He can give. 

We find our rest, when we talk to The LORD. We find our peace when we let His words comfort us. We find strength and courage for a new day when we reflect on what He's already done, and remind ourselves that He has always been faithful in the past, and He has promised to remain faithful in our future. 

When we trust God to take care of us, and to answer our prayers, that's when true rest comes. When we give up control, give over our worries, and rely on The God of Heaven, Who is working everything out for our good. 

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As we remember 9/11, let us take time to also remember that The LORD has been good to us, He has taken care of us, and we are safe in Him. 

Rest, dear friend, take a breath. 

Allow God's soft voice to whisper to your heart today, and let Him wash away all of your fears. Our God is in control, and we have nothing left to fear. 

Just rest. 

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A New School Year

Bookbags are packed, paperwork is signed, new shoes are waiting by the front door, and clothes have been tried on, discarded, tried on again, and finally picked and set out. Tomorrow is the first day of school, and we are all a little nervous. 

I am watching my 8th and 6th graders prepare for a new year, and in my heart I'm preparing too. I'm nervous because I can't be there to walk the school hallways with them, I can't hold their hands and lead them to the right desk in class, the right chair at lunch, or the right friendship and relationship. The beginning of a new year marks new opportunities, and they can either choose good options, or they can choose bad, and I so badly want them to choose good. 

I know Lauren will choose cheese pizza over the deli sandwich every day. I know Abby will choose chicken burgers over pizza, and I know she'll collect quarters at home for the vending machine. I know Lauren will giggle and tease to make friends; and I know Abby will be more reserved, waiting to be approached. I know they'll try on eye shadow and lip gloss on the bus, and wash it off before they come home. I know they'll be tempted to repeat bad words in order to fit in, I know they'll be tempted in a lot of things...

But beyond that, what worry aches my heart the most tonight, is, have I taught them enough, and shown them enough, that they'll be able to make the right choices on their own? When it comes to the tough stuff, will they make good decisions, will they stand for what is right? 

I want our girls to be the ones who offer friendship to the kid left out. I want them to be the ones who offer love when someone is sad. I want our girls to be sources of happiness and joy. And I want them to be rocks for their classmates whose worlds are so uneasy. I know our girls won't be perfect, but I want them to be kind and gentle, strong and confident, controlled and purposeful, determined to do their best, and work hard. 

Of course, I know there will be bumps in the road. I know there will be days when they run through the  front door crying because they were made fun of. I know there will drama, and failed tests, and bad haircuts. It's all just part of being a teenager, after all. 

I was in their shoes once, so I know all of these things all too well. I know how hard middle school can be, which is why I pray for them so fervently. I want them to come to love school the way I did, I want them to have a good experience, and I want them to grow up into beautiful ladies who reflect their creator God in whichever path they decide to take. 

I take a deep breath, and ask God for peace. I've done everything I know to do in order to prepare them for this. I haven't been a perfect parent, but I've done my best. The rest is up to God. I know He is going with them into the school, walking beside them all day long, holding their hands when they're scared, and protecting them. He will watch over them and help them wade through this new year. 

I can rest tonight knowing that tomorrow marks a new beginning, and my girls are ready. 

I can't wait to see what they do. 

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To Every Thing There is a Season

"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak…" Ecclesiastes 3:1-7 

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This blog has been silent for a year, but I've decided it's time I started writing again…

I had been silent on purpose, because I realized through my last posts that my heart was in mourning. I had grown bitter due to circumstances outside of my control, and I didn't want my anger and grief spoiling my writing, not only hurting myself, but also my audience. 

Sometimes it's better to be quiet. 

Sometimes it's better to let God do the healing in private, than through a very public blog such as this. 

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So this last year, I've been healing. I've been letting God soften my heart again, and I've been reconnecting. 

Andrew resigned his position as Senior Pastor, and we left our old church, and made ourselves at home in a new church family, serving as the Youth Director (& wife). We've poured into relationships there, let love welcome us, let laughter heal us, and let children spark our love for ministry again.

We had been so hurt, and so broken, but God restored us. He is always faithful! 

We have let this year wash over us, cleansing us, and energizing us for what's ahead. And what's ahead? Only God knows at this point. But with certainty I can say that we'll be ready. 

I know that because I know Who God is. 

I know that in every circumstance He is good. I know that in every season of life, He is present. I know that He is in the business of redemption, forgiveness, and healing. I know that He hears me when I pray, and I know that He answers my prayers. I know He is active, moving, and alive. I know He has a plan for us, and I know that He is fervently working it out for our benefit. I know that He cares for us, and will give us the wisdom we need when we need it. I know that even though pain may come again, He will give us strength for each new day. I know my God is in control, and He won't let us fall. And when I know that, deep into my heart, there's nothing left to fear, and no more room for doubt. 

I may not know what lies ahead, but I know Who my God is, and that makes it OK. 

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So here's to new seasons. Here's to letting God move, and having the faith to step forward. Here's to courage in those dark days when we wait for His leading, and here's to love, which covers it all. 

He makes everything beautiful in it's time, and every time- beautiful. 

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