A Life of Peace

"For He Himself is our peace, 

Who has made the two groups one 

and has destroyed the barrier, 

the dividing wall of hostility."

- Ephesians 2:14

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I started a new devotional for Step-Mom's today. I've had the book for years, but have had a hard time connecting with it since I'm not a traditional "Step-Mom." I've never called the girls my step-children, and they've always just called me "Mom", of which I have always been proud, telling everyone that there aren't labels separating us, because God placed me here, and made us a new family. I never wanted to let labels define our relationship as Mom & daughter, and I never wanted the world to dismiss me as just the Step-Mom. Those labels hurt, and I've fought for almost 4 years to overcome them. 

But as one of my daughters has grown, cracks in the foundation of our relationship have appeared. It's undeniable now that there are years missing from our history, another Mom's way of living overshadowing mine, and a certain wall of separation keeping us apart. Though we've both put in the effort, 4 years just isn't a lot of time to build the kind of bond that other Mothers & daughters have, and I've felt a lot of pressure to fix this and make it right. 

But something God has been teaching me lately, is that there is no easy fix for our pain and sufferings in this life. Sometimes they are necessary, and sometimes we need to go through our days of trial in order to grow closer to our Savior. And sometimes, we need to just learn how to live in peace despite our current situation. 

Which leads me to today's devotion. Today I read Ephesians 2:14, where we are told that Jesus is our peace, how He's torn the dividing wall down, and how we are now all welcome into the family of God (Both Gentile & Jew) and how we are now called to a life of peace. 

I began to focus on this idea of living in peace, fully aware that I am not at all a peaceful person...

Peace is defined in Webster's as: "Freedom from disturbance; quiet and tranquility"…If you were to ask those closest to me if those words described me, they would probably laugh. 

I am usually the person running around fixing things, worrying over things, loud, passionate, easily flustered, and busy. I don't know how to stop thinking, I don't know how to stop analyzing, and worst of all…I don't know how to stop fixing... 

But God has called me to peace. He's provided a Savior Who IS my peace…and yet, here I sit upset over life. 

There are places in my relationship with my daughter that hurt so much, some days all I can do is cry. I've allowed fear and anxiety to creep in, and I've allowed satan to hurt me with his lies of defeat. But here Jesus is promising to be my peace, and is calling me to rest in Him. 

In light of WHO my God is, I can rest. In light of WHO my God promises to be, I can lay my burden down. I cannot fix the problem with my daughter overnight, and I may never be able to fix it at all…but no matter what happens, I can learn to live a life of peace, knowing that my Jesus has won, knowing that my Jesus loves me, and is covering me with His everlasting peace that passes all understanding. 

We live in a world full of sin, pain, suffering and death…but God has given us a way to overcome. He's given us His Son Jesus, and He is our peace amidst any storm that comes our way. We can choose to lay our pain down, accept the trial, and ask Jesus to fill us with His peace. We can rest in the safety of our Savior, and know that He is at work for us, and that one day, all will be well. 

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A Letter to Miss. Magnolia (Maggie) Maloy

Dear Maggie,


I had been so nervous waiting to see you on the ultrasound. I needed to know you had two little hands, and two little feet, and all the normal anatomy that babies need. I wanted to hear your heartbeat again, and see your little movements on the screen. And I also wanted to know if you were a boy or girl, so that we could name you, and begin our preparations for your arrival.

All throughout my pregnancy, everyone told me I was having a boy, but in the back of my heart, I wanted you to be a girl. I had nightmares about having a boy, and not knowing how to take care of him. I remember waking Daddy one night, so upset by the dream where I told the doctor there'd been a mistake, and I needed a girl. Daddy and I agreed on your name right away, but we never could settle on   a boys name, and the night before our ultrasound I sat Daddy down and made him make a decision. I needed to know, I needed to plan, and I needed to prepare.

And then, the morning finally came, and there you were before us, and the news was delivered: girl.

I immediately began to cry, and asked the technician if she was sure. Daddy was smiling, holding my hand, and we laughed that now we had 4 girls…4 proms to look forward to, 4 boyfriends, and 4 weddings to plan, and lots and lots of estrogen to go around. Poor Daddy is completely outnumbered, but that's OK. We are both so happy to know that you're healthy and strong, and we can't wait to hold you in our arms.

We named you Magnolia (Maggie) Maloy Donnelly, a very Irish name indeed. We both loved the nickname Maggie, and Magnolia seemed like the best fit for you, a sweet little name. Maloy is your Grandma Rose's maiden name, and we are so excited to be able to carry on that family name through you. Maggie Maloy, such a perfect little name for our little girl.

We are wondering what color hair you'll have, and who's eye color. Daddy has lots of redheads on his side of the family, so he thinks you'll come out with auburn locks. We know you'll be beautiful no matter what, and reflect your Creator God in just the perfect way.

We know right now that God is knitting you together, forming you and holding you until you're ready to meet us. We know that He's already begun a special work in you, and that He'll carry it out to completion. We trust in His plan for you, and we're so thankful for you, and the life you will live.

Maggie Maloy, we love you so much already, and we are dreaming of what life will look like once you're here. We can't wait to hold you, and kiss your little face, and count your little toes. We are already blessed by you, and can't wait to see all that God has in store.

Keep growing strong, little one, we'll meet you soon...



All my love,

Mommy

He Gives and Takes Away

"The LORD gave, and The LORD has taken away; 

blessed be the name of The LORD." 

- Job 1:21b

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Our home is rejoicing at the news of another baby girl joining our family, Miss. Maggie Maloy. We're anticipating her arrival in late June, and readying our home for her. We've welcomed baby girls before, so there won't be much to purchase, but I'll still want to get a few new things just for her. New babies are so exciting, bring so much joy, and in many cases, a sense of healing and peace to a family, that "now we are complete" feeling. 

I remember feeling this way when my first nephew arrived in December of 2006. My Grandmother had died that July, and the family had been in mourning so long, and didn't want to face Christmas without her. But then Devin came into our world, and with him he brought so much healing to our hearts, filling us with new love, and new joy, and the promise of new life. God knew we would need him that Christmas, and he was the perfect little gift. 

My heart has been feeling this same torn feeling now, as we look ahead to the arrival of Maggie. The LORD has blessed us with this new life, but in the midst of our joy, there's also sorrow, because just weeks ago, The LORD called another baby home, only a few weeks younger than our little Maggie. 

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My cousin told me she was pregnant just as I was entering my second trimester. We were so excited to be expecting together, anticipating the summer when the Rose family would welcome two new beautiful babies! We swapped pregnancy symptoms, and the need to move into maternity pants, and laughed at our food cravings and exhaustion. We shared in the joyous experience of being pregnant together, and had so much hope for our future. 

But just weeks after that happy announcement, another announcement came that broke our hearts. Our families joy turned into mourning once more, as we cried together, prayed together, and sought God's face in such a horrible time. 

The LORD gave, and The LORD has taken away. 

My heart carries the loss of this precious babe everyday. Every time I feel my baby kick, every time I ache, or catch a glimpse of my growing belly, I am reminded of the empty belly, the broken heart, and the tremendous loss that my loved ones are feeling. We'll never know why God chose this plan, we'll never understand His ways. But in the midst of it, we're still holding onto hope, and The hand of our Savior that promises to guide us through. 

The LORD gave, and The LORD has taken away. 

Blessed be The name of The LORD!

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It's hard to rejoice in the middle of sorrow, it's hard to find the light. But as Christians, we hold onto the promise that God is still good, and is working all things out for our good. We know that our God does not do bad things, and we know He uses every circumstance in our lives to bring about His perfect plan, to glorify Himself, and to bless us. There is a reason for our current sufferings on this earth, and one day, He will reveal that reason, and all wounds will be healed. We may stumble in the darkness for a time, but God has promised that joy will always come….even if the joy is mixed with tears. 

I know that when we welcome Maggie this summer we will cry many tears of joy, but the absence of another babe will not be missed, and there will be moments of sadness over that as well. We will share in the joy and pain together, because we're family, and that's what family does. We rejoice when one rejoices, and we cry when one cries, and we will continue to bless the name of our LORD together through it all. 

Maggie will grow up hearing this story, and she'll know of her baby cousin waiting for her in Heaven. She'll hear about Grandma, and all the others who have gone before, and I'll teach her to embrace joy, but also keep room in her heart for remembering, and honoring the memory of those who are no longer with us. 

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And as tears fall now, I know this is all just part of life's journey. The LORD gives, and The LORD takes away, but in all of it, He remains good, and we will choose to bless His Name. 

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Victory Over Weakness

 "But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, 

for My power is made perfect in weakness.”

 Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, 

so that Christ’s power may rest on me."

- 2 Corinthians 12:9

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I'm a fraud. 

If I'm being honest, and I think I should be, I've spent most of my life trying to appear as if I've had it all together. 

I never rebelled as a child or teen, out of fear of what someone might think of me, and in college I continued the "good-girl" vibe because I knew it so well, and deep down, I knew that was who I wanted to be. I grew up knowing what God expected, and I never wanted to fail Him, or hurt His heart. 

But I think sometimes it's easy for "veteran" Christians to memorize scripture, to know what is expected, and just sort of do life that way, because it has become normal, because it is comfortable, and because it is all they've ever known.  

But what happens when the storm comes? Is the faith real? Is the foundation strong? Can we accept being weak, and letting our pride fall, and allow others to see that in fact, we're very broken people on the inside, just trying to maintain the strength we've always seemed to have? 

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I can answer a few of these questions, and say yes, my faith is real, and yes, my foundation is strong…but letting my pride fall down, and letting my true brokenness show? Well, that's a little harder for me. 

I've had sorrow in my life, I've experienced pain and seasons of waiting. I've said goodbye to people I love, and I know how it feels to climb out of the pit of depression. My faith has had years of growth and maturity. 

But in my years with Christ, nothing has revealed the ugliness in my heart quite like step-parenting has. Never before has my inner heart of hearts been called out, found lacking, and demanding of change. Nothing before in my life had revealed my inner pride, and ability to harbor jealousy, bitterness, resentment, and selfish thoughts. 

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So my outward image of strength and ability to have it all together? 

Yeah, it's cracked. 

It's bleeding on the floor, crying out for mercy, and fully aware of how completely weak and broken it really is. 

I've come face to face with the ugliest part of myself, and I hate it. I'm ashamed. I know who I'm supposed to be, I know how I'm supposed to act, I know what is required of me…yet I keep failing, every. single. day. 

I'm exhausted from the weight of my own sin and depravity, and from carrying myself to the foot of the cross, and trying to lay it down there. 

There at the cross, where I'm able to be washed clean. 

There at the cross, where I'm able to find salvation.

There at the cross, where my Savior promises to keep loving me, even though He can see how truly ugly I am. 

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And the worst part about sin, is, it effects so much more than just ourselves, and in my particular case…I've hurt my family. I've wounded the hearts of children who were entrusted to me. I've failed them as a parent, and I don't know if there's anything more painful than that. 

I've allowed my fears to rule my heart, my insecurities to build up walls, and resentment to make itself at home in me. I've become a person I don't like, a person I promised myself I never would be. 

I know better than this, I know what's expected. 

But I can no longer hide behind the smile, and outer strength I've always shown. Right now I need to be broken, I need to be rebuilt, and I need to be held accountable. I need to change. I needed to repent, and I needed to be washed clean. 

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Thankfully, I know this isn't where my story will end. Though I'm terrified, and shaking now, I know God won't leave me here. Because of that faith and foundation we talked about earlier, I know enough of my Savior to know that He is in the business of restoration, forgiveness, and grace. And I know He won't leave me here. 

Jesus has promised to show up in my weakness, to pour grace upon me, and heal me. He has promised to cover me with His strength and power, surrounding me, dwelling with me like Shekinah glory. 

I know that my God is mighty, and able, and willing. And I know He will help me change. 

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This dying to self, this letting my pride fall down around me, is terribly hard. My emotions are high, my nerves frazzled, and my physical body is so so tired. 

But I'm here. 

Waiting for my Savior to reveal His power in my weakness. Waiting for my Savior to bring about the change. Waiting for my Savior to bring the healing in my life, and in the life of my family. 

I'm laying it all out, waiting for victory. 

Our Valentine's Day

Our morning started at 5am, with my coughing waking us up. It wasn't long after that, that your alarm signaled the beginning of a new day, and Katelyn's cries could be heard from her room. With all that commotion, there certainly was no way we could ignore the fact that morning had come, even though we both were wearing the sleepy mask of exhaustion.

You skipped breakfast at home, saying you'd just grab something quick on the way to work. And before you managed to get out of the front door, your lunch had been spilt across the hallway, fruit rolling in all directions. When you opened the front door, you looked back at me and shook your head: "We have a flat tire on the truck, I'll take the car" was all you had to say and I knew my own plans had just changed for the day as well. Not 15 minutes later, you called from the car to tell me you'd be late, and that oh yea, you'd grabbed a non-matching set of dress shoes in all your morning haste, and now you'd be forced to work all day in mismatched shoes. I just told you we'd better laugh at this, or we'd surely cry, and to try to have a good day anyway.

Some days are just like this, and we have to choose to laugh, smile at each other, and keep going. 

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Valentine's Day for us has always looked a bit different than the commercials on TV. From day one we've had squirming children separating us in the booth at dinner, watching movies with us, and stealing our popcorn. We never had those early years of just you & me, and our money has always been used for practical family things instead of silly romantic whims.

But in the middle of this crazy life, you've always had a way of looking over the top of the children's heads, and catching my eye. You've learned to reach across the couch to take my hand, and steal kisses in the kitchen while I make dinner. You've snuck beautiful grocery store flowers behind your back to surprise me with, and left words of encouragement and love on my voicemail when there wasn't enough time to exchange words at the door on your way out. You've made me laugh when I'm mad at you, with your stupid little grin and quick humor. And somehow, you've found little ways, everyday, of making our hectic life slow down for just a moment, and remind me that I'm loved. You have a way of making everything better, just by coming home; and when I'm with you, I feel safe, and able to conquer the world.

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I know our version of Valentine's Day looks more like a Busytown book, with a million things to do, diapers to change, laundry to fold, kids to wrangle, bills to pay, and farm animals to be fed, but at the end of that day…I get to have you. And there's no one in the world I'd rather be with, and no one in the world I'd rather be doing this crazy life alongside.

In spite of all the obstacles, we've found a way to make it work. A rhythm all our own. And everyday that we keep living and loving, we're showing our children what real love looks like. That it's not all roses, ribbons or bows; but it's raw, honest, hard work, and the decision to keep laughing, and choosing each other no matter what life brings.

And I think that means more than any hallmark card ever could.



Happy Valentine's Day, my love.

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When the Sparrow Falls

I keep staring at this empty screen, unsure of what to say. Words and prayers have been floating through my head all night, but still nothing seems quite right. 

I come to the throne of God and lay my burden down, lay the burden of the ones I love down, but still, the heartache is heavy, and there's nothing to do to fully remove that pain. 

Heaven has called a little one home, and we are all mourning. We are weeping with those who weep, and carrying them in our hearts as we watch them go through such a devastating time. 

I know in my heart that God is still good, but none of this is good. This is pain at it's deepest, separation to the core, heartache that cuts you at your soul, and the hardest goodbye that anyone ever spoke. 

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God is so tender, the Bible tells us He sees even when the sparrow falls. 

Surely He sees His children now. Surely He cries along with them, hurting in His heart too. Surely The Holy Spirit draws near, cradling those who can hardly stand. 

Our Father God is tender, He knows when our hearts are sad, and He will bring comfort, I am sure. 

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Little baby, you are so loved. The world only knew about you for a short time, but the impact you made on our hearts will never be forgotten. Your family, near and far, loved you with a fierce love, and we will wait in hope for the day when we get to meet you in Glory. It brings our hearts comfort to know that there is family in Heaven holding you you now, rocking you, singing songs with you at the feet of our King. You are in the safest place, the most beautiful place, but we will miss you here. Your family will never forget your little life, knowing that God's plan for you was so very different than the one we dreamed of. Your little life completed a purpose that no one else could, and now your work is done. We thank God for you, and praise Him, even in this goodbye. 

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Father God, draw near. Pour out your comfort and peace to those who are crushed in spirit. Surround them with your love, let them never feel alone. Restore and rebuild, turn their mourning ashes into beauty. Even through the valley, LORD, carry them. We lay our burden down, God, and we will wait for You to lift our head once more. 

A Wanderer in the Wilderness No More

"Therefore, brothers and sisters, since we have confidence 

to enter the Most Holy Place by the blood of Jesus,

 by a new and living way opened for us through the curtain, 

that is, His body, and since we have a great priest over the house of God, 

let us draw near to God with a sincere heart 

and with the full assurance that faith brings, 

having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience

 and having our bodies washed with pure water.  

Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, 

for He who promised is faithful." 

- Hebrews 10:19-23

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The season of lent, traditionally practiced within the Catholic church, is meant to be a time of remembering. Catholic tradition involves fasting, penance, good works, and self-examination leading up to the holy week and to Easter. 40 days, symbolizing the time Jesus spent in the wilderness being tempted by satan, is a time Catholics set aside to remember the suffering of Jesus, and in a small way, identify with the suffering of Christ that ultimately led Him to the cross where He died for our sins. 

The protestant church does not carry on this tradition, with the exception of a few denominations, and so, I myself have never observed lent. I have always carried a negative opinion of lent, having seen what many "give up" in order to live lives of "suffering" for 40 days. I've always had the opinion that giving up chocolate, cell phones, alcohol, or some other form of "necessity" is ridiculous in comparison to what my Savior sacrificed for me. I've often felt that Catholics were simply living by tradition, fulfilling a religious obligation, and making small of the enormous weight and burden that Jesus carried for me. I've taken this offense personally, and in the past, have done all I can do to stay away from those practicing lent, lest I have to hear their complaints of skipping dessert: "Uh, I gave that up for lent!"

Perhaps I've just known the wrong sorts of Catholics, or perhaps this system really is flawed, I'm not sure, but ultimately I do know that it's God that judges the heart, and it's not my place to get angry with worthless offerings. God is the only one who knows our intentions, and perhaps I've carried my negativity for lent around long enough. 

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I do know that in my own heart of hearts, I'm in the need for renewal. My heart is burdened, and I've carried fear, guilt, doubt, and worry with me wherever I go for far too long. 

There are things in my life that hurt. A season of parenting and growing that has left me bruised and broken, and there have been many times when I've admitted to Andrew that I'm just not sure I'll make it through to the other side. 

There have been hours spent on the floor crying out to Jesus, and long distance phone calls made to my girlfriend who gets me without needing an explanation. There have been frantic visits to Mom & Dad, ice cream runs, and tearful goodnights. I've been wandering through a wilderness of my own, but unlike my Savior, satan's words of temptation penetrated my heart, and I allowed his lies and deceit to become my truth: maybe I'm really not good enough. 

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But the beautiful thing about this season of anticipation, this season of Lent, is that, though I'm currently walking through my own wilderness, I know the outcome! I know that my Savior God has already won, and that gives me hope to keep going, and courage to take just one more step. 

I need this time of Lent, to be a time where my heart reflects on what Jesus has done for me, and let those truths give me life. 

I need to remember that the blood of Jesus covered me, covered my sin, gave me victory over life and death, and every bad thing that may come. 

I need to remember that the veil was torn, that I am now an heir to the throne of God, a daughter of The King, and that I am welcome to enter into His presence, and lay my burden down. 

I need to remember that I have been purchased, forgiven, washed clean, and that there is nothing I can ever do to lose the love of my Father. 

I need this season of lent to be a time of peace, a time where I can draw near, a time where I can be held by The One who saved me. 

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So this year, for the first time, I'm observing lent. But in a different sort of way. 

I'm going to let this season of remembering wash over me, and heal the places in my heart that are broken. 

I'm going to rest in the promises of my Savior, and acknowledge that the work has already been done. 

Jesus has made a way, in His death, burial, and resurrection, He saved me from sin, and because of His sacrifice, God now welcomes me in, to rest in Him and find joy in the life He has given me. I am an overcomer, because Christ overcame the grave, and that's what our Easter celebration is all about. 

Remembering the sacrifice and death, yes, but also embracing the resurrection and life, now promised to each and every one of us who have accepted Jesus as LORD. 

40 days of focusing on truth, and drowning out all the lies, 

a wanderer in the wilderness no more. 

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A Safe Place

"May the God of endurance and encouragement grant you to live in such harmony with one another, in accord with Christ Jesus, that together you may with one voice glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ."

- Romans 15:5-6

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Perhaps one of the hardest things about raising our children in the church is not the Biblical teaching, discipline needed to watch over our child's every move, limiting their outside influences, technology exposure, or helping them choose good friends…but in fact, dealing with the group of well intended Mother's telling each other everything they're doing wrong. 

I have a particularly interesting case, because I became a Mother to two pre-teens at the age of 27. I had more advice, warnings, and corrections hurled at me than I could even absorb. My head was sent spinning in every direction from the minute I revealed my new relationship with Andrew and his daughters, and I've been wading through the muck of do's and don'ts ever since. 

Most people assumed that because I'd never been a Mother before, and they had years of experience on me, that it was their job to teach me what to do; but what I've learned is that these actions can be the most isolating, hurtful, and harmful thing we can do to our sisters in Christ. In my case, I know I've spent the last three years defending my choices, defending my place, and fighting for my right to just be a "normal" Mom like all the biological Mom's surrounding me. 

The sea of well-intended words given to me actually began to drown me, instead of building confidence, separated me instead of building community, and left feelings of defeat instead of feelings of hope and courage. What I needed was someone to tell me everything would work out because God's hand was in it, but those few simple words of encouragement were lost in the overwhelming shout of doubt. 

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If you're a Mother, chances are you know what I'm talking about, and have experienced these things yourself. The saddest part of all, is how often this pain is inflicted within the church body. A place where we are supposed to find family, acceptance, edification, and love. 

Why did it ever become OK for Christians to criticize and condemn each other instead of building each other up with the love of our LORD? 

God's intention for His children has always been for us to love one another, and work together in harmony, building each other up, and fighting along side each other in this life. We were meant to shoulder each others burdens, pray for each other, and offer words of life to each other. 

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Mama's, we need to love each other, plain and simple. This world is hard enough, and the choices we must make for our children and family are all the same. We are all fighting the same battle, and we would do ourselves good to support each other instead of playing the game of comparisons. There is no race, no finish line, no competition. We are all just Mother's, trying to love our families well. 

We need to come together in love, and learn to hold our tongues. Most often, our Mama friends don't need us to solve their problems, but just to have their troubles heard. We need words of kindness and support, and to know we're not alone in the fight. We need to be a safe place for one another, pouring grace into each other's lives, and allowing our messes to show. 

Let's be a haven for one another, a place of comfort and strength. Let's build each other up, pointing towards our Father, and let's fight the good fight together, armed with the strength of our sisters.