Victory Over Weakness

 "But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, 

for My power is made perfect in weakness.”

 Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, 

so that Christ’s power may rest on me."

- 2 Corinthians 12:9

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I'm a fraud. 

If I'm being honest, and I think I should be, I've spent most of my life trying to appear as if I've had it all together. 

I never rebelled as a child or teen, out of fear of what someone might think of me, and in college I continued the "good-girl" vibe because I knew it so well, and deep down, I knew that was who I wanted to be. I grew up knowing what God expected, and I never wanted to fail Him, or hurt His heart. 

But I think sometimes it's easy for "veteran" Christians to memorize scripture, to know what is expected, and just sort of do life that way, because it has become normal, because it is comfortable, and because it is all they've ever known.  

But what happens when the storm comes? Is the faith real? Is the foundation strong? Can we accept being weak, and letting our pride fall, and allow others to see that in fact, we're very broken people on the inside, just trying to maintain the strength we've always seemed to have? 

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I can answer a few of these questions, and say yes, my faith is real, and yes, my foundation is strong…but letting my pride fall down, and letting my true brokenness show? Well, that's a little harder for me. 

I've had sorrow in my life, I've experienced pain and seasons of waiting. I've said goodbye to people I love, and I know how it feels to climb out of the pit of depression. My faith has had years of growth and maturity. 

But in my years with Christ, nothing has revealed the ugliness in my heart quite like step-parenting has. Never before has my inner heart of hearts been called out, found lacking, and demanding of change. Nothing before in my life had revealed my inner pride, and ability to harbor jealousy, bitterness, resentment, and selfish thoughts. 

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So my outward image of strength and ability to have it all together? 

Yeah, it's cracked. 

It's bleeding on the floor, crying out for mercy, and fully aware of how completely weak and broken it really is. 

I've come face to face with the ugliest part of myself, and I hate it. I'm ashamed. I know who I'm supposed to be, I know how I'm supposed to act, I know what is required of me…yet I keep failing, every. single. day. 

I'm exhausted from the weight of my own sin and depravity, and from carrying myself to the foot of the cross, and trying to lay it down there. 

There at the cross, where I'm able to be washed clean. 

There at the cross, where I'm able to find salvation.

There at the cross, where my Savior promises to keep loving me, even though He can see how truly ugly I am. 

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And the worst part about sin, is, it effects so much more than just ourselves, and in my particular case…I've hurt my family. I've wounded the hearts of children who were entrusted to me. I've failed them as a parent, and I don't know if there's anything more painful than that. 

I've allowed my fears to rule my heart, my insecurities to build up walls, and resentment to make itself at home in me. I've become a person I don't like, a person I promised myself I never would be. 

I know better than this, I know what's expected. 

But I can no longer hide behind the smile, and outer strength I've always shown. Right now I need to be broken, I need to be rebuilt, and I need to be held accountable. I need to change. I needed to repent, and I needed to be washed clean. 

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Thankfully, I know this isn't where my story will end. Though I'm terrified, and shaking now, I know God won't leave me here. Because of that faith and foundation we talked about earlier, I know enough of my Savior to know that He is in the business of restoration, forgiveness, and grace. And I know He won't leave me here. 

Jesus has promised to show up in my weakness, to pour grace upon me, and heal me. He has promised to cover me with His strength and power, surrounding me, dwelling with me like Shekinah glory. 

I know that my God is mighty, and able, and willing. And I know He will help me change. 

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This dying to self, this letting my pride fall down around me, is terribly hard. My emotions are high, my nerves frazzled, and my physical body is so so tired. 

But I'm here. 

Waiting for my Savior to reveal His power in my weakness. Waiting for my Savior to bring about the change. Waiting for my Savior to bring the healing in my life, and in the life of my family. 

I'm laying it all out, waiting for victory.