Facing the Pain

"Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, 

bearing with one another in love."

- Ephesians 4:2

.

Sitting through Sunday School was hard. Mom wasn't there to lead, and all I could do was picture her there, see her Bible, her pen in hand, hear her laugh, and see her smile. She was everywhere in that room, but painfully absent, never returning. It was hard reading scripture that spoke of the joy God would bring, because at that moment, my heart was not feeling much joy. It hurt to sit there, but I knew I had to stay and work through the pain, or I'd stay crippled forever.

Walking through the sanctuary was equally painful and terrifying. Nothing felt normal, nothing felt comforting, nothing felt right. Dad's office was empty, pictures of my smiling family staring back at me, and I wondered if we'd ever smile like that again. The singing felt empty, the readings felt empty, my heart in my chest felt empty, and I just wanted to leave. I didn't want to sit through such misery, didn't want to answer questions, and didn't want to talk. I just wanted to run away, and never feel that kind of pain again.

Thankfully, though, God breaks through our pain, and has mercy on His children. He doesn't require us to walk through pain, without giving us help, and He provided me with friends to help me take my first broken steps back into the family of God. He sent friends with words of comfort, and warm hugs. He revealed His love to me in the form of my church family, who embraced me in my pain, and accepted my tears. I was shown mercy in my very dark hour, and it strengthened my heart, and made me feel like I wasn't alone. I left feeling strengthened, and renewed, something I very much needed.

It's not always easy letting people in to your pain. It's easy to be scared because you don't know how people will react, what they'll say, or how you'll feel. It's easier to build walls, stay away, and create a fake comfort that tells you you're OK. It's easier to skirt your pain, and do everything you can to avoid it. But avoiding hardship never brings growth, and I don't want to stay stagnate.

If I truly believe that God is Who He says He is, and if I truly believe His Word and promises, than I need to also trust that He is bringing purpose to my pain. I need to trust that His ways are higher, and that His ways are good. I have to believe that He is walking us through this valley of death to be shown His love in a greater way, His mercy in a greater way, His joy in a greater way, and His healing in a greater way. At the end on my grief, God's glory will be revealed in a new way, and His work in my life will be revealed in a new way too. There is a reason God called my Mom home when He did, and I have to believe that that reason is good.

And as I'm walking through this valley, I've learned my need for my church family in a new way. I've learned that I need to not only ask for help, but I need to accept it when it's offered. I don't have to shoulder this burden on my own, and I don't have to be afraid. God will provide the strength I need, and sometimes that will be revealed in the form of precious friends who come along side me, and help me carry the weight of my grief. I'm thankful that through this time of sorrow, God's love is still being revealed, and His hand of mercy is still holding me. We do serve a good God, who loves us so very much, and we can never lose sight of that, even in the darkness.

I am moving forward through my grief, taking it step by step, and I'm thankful for the things God is revealing along the way, and the peace He's bringing to my heart. Our joy will one day be restored, and until then, we will just keep going, facing our pain, and working through it. I know I'm not alone, and I thank those who are lovingly walking beside me.