One Day at a Time

I had a beautiful dream about my Mom last night. We somehow knew in the dream that Mom was dying, and we were saying goodbye to each other, saying all the things we never got the chance to say, and I asked her to write a letter for Maggie to have. I was able to hug her, and cry with her, and tell her how much I loved her. I could almost feel her in my dream…

And then I woke up.

I'm so weary every day, walking around in this grief...

There are moments I forget she's gone, and go to pick up the phone to call her. And there are moments when I say "Mom would have known the answer to this", moments when my breath is stollen from me, and I'm overcome with anxiety and fear, and moments of peace when I can almost see the light again. There are moments of happy memories, and moments when normal life routines take over, until I remember again, and get angry. But most of the time, I feel like I'm on autopilot, just trying to get through the day. My mind never shuts off, and even though I'm so emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausted, I never seem to be able to rest.

In my heart, I know that God is here. I know He's holding me, and sustaining me, even when I can't feel Him. But sometimes I get mad at even Him, asking Him why this had to happen. For someone with no prior medical conditions to die from a routine procedure. Why? Why her? Why now? And I'm always answered with the truth that it just doesn't matter why, dead is dead, and she can't come back.

These are times in our life when we have to just accept that we won't get an answer, and make the choice to keep believing anyway. That's the definition of Biblical hope, being confident of something, even though you haven't seen it. That's faith, and in times like this, I'd rather choose to hold onto my faith than run away from everything I've always known. I have to keep believing, knowing that Jesus is The One who supplies my next breath, and my life is and always has been in His hands, I have no control of my own.

I honestly don't know how people get through this kind of pain without Jesus. Where do they find comfort, where do they find the strength to keep going? Because even in my darkest moments, I still know God is there, and that He'll somehow get me through it. And I'm learning that when I need it the most, God gives me slivers of peace so that I can do what needs to be done. I haven't received complete peace, just moments…and I guess that's how it will be for a while.

Grief is a journey, and ours has only just begun. I know this is something God has required of us. He is walking with us on this path, and at the end, more will be revealed. There's a purpose in all of this pain,  there has to be, because God is still good, and doesn't do bad things. That simple truth is getting me through.

One day at a time...