Louder than my Grief

"Send out Your light and Your truth; 

let them lead me; 

let them bring me to Your holy hill and to Your dwelling!"

- Psalm 43:3

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Grief has a way of clouding truth, emotions tend to take over, and feelings outweigh what our minds are telling us. 

I truly believe that part of the healing process of grief is feeling the feelings, acknowledging them, working through them, and overcoming them. But for me, I've had to ask Jesus to be louder than my feelings. I've had to ask Him to let His truth reign in my heart, in order to overcome how I feel. 

If I went by what I feel, I'd never get out of bed. I wouldn't get dressed, I wouldn't eat, I wouldn't care about my kids, or what's going on around me. I'd wallow in self-pity, dwell on the sadness, and let myself sink into a pit of despair. 

If I went by my feelings, I'd be angry, bitter, and resentful. If I went by my feelings, I'd be questioning God's goodness, questioning His plan, questioning His divine wisdom, and wondering why we live this miserable life at all. 

I know this, because I've had moments where I've felt all of these things, and it scared me. It scared me how quickly I can turn away from everything I've always known because my circumstance changed, because I'm in pain, because I miss my Mom, because I'm sad... 

I came to the understanding last night, that I need to let God be my God, even in my grief. If Jesus is truly LORD of my life, He needs to be LORD of my grief too. His voice needs to be louder than my grief, His truth needs to mean more than my feelings, His goodness needs to sink into every ounce of my being, wrapping around the grief, and covering the spots in my heart that are broken. 

His Word has to be enough, His truths laid out in scripture. God has promised us every good thing. He's promised to be our Healer, our Refuge, our Strength. He's promised to turn our weeping into dancing, our darkness into light, our ashes into beauty. He's promised to be there with me, bottling my tears, bringing purpose out of my pain, ordaining my days. He's promised to be in control, no matter what situation comes, and He's promised to be trustworthy…even when things look bad. 

I've had to acknowledge and accept that God was still in control on March 13th. He was in control of Mom's heart attack. He was in control of her Cardiac Catheterization, and the procedure to put in a stent. God was in control of her recovery in the ICU,  He was in control when she began to bleed, and He was in control in to OR when doctors did everything they could to save her. He was in control when He answered "No" to our loudest prayers, our screams, our cries for help. He was in control when Mom took her last breath on this earth, and He was in control when Dad & I stood over her body, saying goodbye. He was in control when He took her to Heaven, her hour of completion, and our same hour of compete darkness. He was in control of it all, and somehow…in His divine understanding, He called it good. 

What is impossible for us to understand, what is heartache, separation, pain, and death to us...was somehow good to God, because His plan was worked out in Mom's life, and worked out in ours too. 

God doesn't do bad things, life is not a surprise to Him. And so, yes, on March 13th, God was in control, and the things that happened that day were good, even though they look so very bad to us. 

Part of being a Christian, giving our lives to Jesus Christ, allowing God to be LORD over all parts of our lives, is acknowledging that He knows better than us. Acknowledging that He is in control, and that He works all things together for good. He sees the beginning and the end, He sees all that will ever be, and we have to pray for His will to be done in our lives, and submit to His authority. 

Grief tells me to run, but faith tells me to believe. 

To keep holding on to Jesus, to submit to Him, and the plan He has for me life. 

Feelings cannot outweigh truth. 

Not in life. Not in death. Not in grief. 

Truth has to win out every time, or we are not truly submitting to God, and His authority over us. 

My God has not changed, even in my grief, and acknowledging that is the beginning of healing, because true healing can only come when we are in the will of God, living our lives the way He intended, bending our knee to Him, and giving over control. My feelings, though real, cannot overshadow the truth that God has spoken, cannot overshadow the Truth that I have always believed: 

God is good. 

He doesn't do bad things. 

God is in control.

His plans are perfect. 

God loves me.

And His love never fails. 

My heart is free to grieve and heal, when I align myself with these truths, and hold tight to The hand of my Savior. And I can breathe and rest in Him, knowing He won't let go, knowing that He'll see my life through to completion, just like He did for my beautiful Mom. 

His plan will win out, we will have victory, and joy will once again come, because my God is trustworthy and true, and because His voice is louder than my grief.