Faithful God

"For I know the plans I have for you" declares The LORD, 

"Plans to prosper you, and not to harm you, 

plans to give you hope and a future." 

- Jeremiah 29:11

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After 20 years with Jesus, it should no longer surprise me that He's always working things out in my life. He's always been faithful, always been good, always been patient with me, and has always rescued me, no matter what situation I found myself in. It should come as no surprise that He's thinking of me, orchestrating my days, preparing me, and guiding me. But, in my human weakness, sometimes I forget. 

Sometimes life knocks you off your feet, punches you in the stomach, and steals your breath away. Sometimes, while going about your merry way, life happens, and everything you once knew changes. 

That happened to me on March 13th, when I got a call from my Dad saying my Mom had had a heart attack. She had surgery, was given a positive prognosis, and signed up for cardiac rehab. Her doctors left the hospital confident that all would be well. Only it wasn't. A simple, routine procedure, was not so simple for my sweet Momma, and she died. Talking, laughing, reassuring me one minute, and then gone the next. There was a bleed somewhere, and the doctors just couldn't save her. It was her day, her day to go home to Jesus. 

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After the trauma from being at the hospital settled over me, and I began to accept what happened, I laid down in bed to rest, and suddenly remembered something that God had placed on my heart almost 3 years prior, and had been slowly bringing to light up to that exact moment. 

About 3 years ago when Andrew accepted the position as Pastor at West Eaton, I knew in my heart then that God was moving us close to Mom & Dad because He was going to require something of us. Andrew had applied to churches across all of New England, but the only church that asked him to come aboard was 30 minutes from my parents. I knew then that something "bad" was going to happen, and that we were going to be needed. I talked with Andrew about it at the time, with a heavy heart, and he reassured me saying that we needed to see this move as a blessing and not think about negative things. And though I tried to take his advice, in my heart I always had a deep nagging, knowing God was preparing me for something. 

Then, about a year later, it became obvious that our time at West Eaton had to come to an end. Our ministry there had hit a wall, and there was no way for us to go around it in order to keep going. And after announcing the decision to leave, we were approached by the deacons at my Dad's church. They wanted to know if Andrew would be willing to come aboard as their Youth Director, overseeing the Kid's Club and Youth Group and working to build the youth program at Cassville. We were overjoyed with this answer to prayer and blessing, being able to worship with our family, sit under Dad's preaching, and reunite with friends. But again, the nagging in my heart returned, and I knew even more that something big was coming. I assumed that Andrew was being groomed, sitting under Dad's leadership, soaking in the love and leadership from a strong body of Christ. I assumed because my Dad already had a heart condition, that the problem would be his, I never even thought of my Mom. 

Through Katelyn's early months, I was almost frantic. Trying to take photos of every little thing, mostly with my Dad, but also some treasures of my Mom, because I knew how special those photos were going to be. I knew I needed to take them, and capture our time together. We purposely planned vacations together, birthdays together, weekends together, to soak up as much time with my parents as possible. And this October I made my parents come over for a family photo session, making them stand for photos with Andrew & I, and their grandchildren, and photos of just Mom & Dad together, laughing, loving, making fun of my photo taking antics. Somehow I knew in my spirit that those were special photos, and I treasured them, framing them for the family at Christmas. 

And then at Christmas, I made our entire family pose for our annual group photo. Among babies crying, kids running around, and unwilling adults, we managed to get a few good shots of all of us together, Mom standing right in the middle, surrounded by her loves. I've always insisted on these annual photos, and I'm so thankful now that I did. 

By early winter, I was having visions during the day of giving a eulogy. I saw myself standing in a church, talking about my parents, but never knew who the eulogy was for. I remember being angry with these visions, shaking my head to try to clear my thoughts, and telling myself to stop thinking about such things. But they returned, during the oddest times: shopping, cleaning the house, driving the car. I just had this nagging in my heart I couldn't shake. 

And then, about a month before Mom died, I had a dream. I dreamt in vivid display, like a movie playing out before me. My Mom had died of a heart attack, and I stood with my Dad at the hospital, holding him up, and saying goodbye to my Mom. I woke screaming and sobbing, waking Andrew, so upset by the dream and how real everything felt. The next morning I called my Mom crying, pleading with her to tell me she was OK. Of course, my Mom shrugged this off, and told me she was fine and not to worry. She had just had her annual physical and had been cleared, scoring 99/100 on her heart test. 

Meanwhile, other family members were facing their own grief, and I began to pour over scripture, writing blog posts about suffering, death, and the hope and peace we have in Jesus. I thought at the time that I was writing for someone else, but now I know God was preparing me, covering me with His word, whispering to my heart. 

All the while, I begged Jesus not to take my parents. Pleading with Him, telling Him there was no way I'd be able to survive, that they had too much work still to do, grandbabies to love, and years of retirement ahead. I screamed and cried and asked God for another outcome, but on March 13th, He answered. 

He required the most of us.

He revealed the nagging in my heart, the visions, the dream:

He answered "No"

He called my Mom home. 

And as much of a shock that Mom's death was to us, for me, it was almost a confirmation, fulfilling something I already knew. This was why God moved us here, this was why my heart had been in turmoil, this was the requirement. 

Part of me wanted to be mad about all of this. Why would God give me those naggings, those visions, that dream? Why would He torment me like that?

And then my heart realized: Because He loves me. 

God knew how close I was with Mom. He knew I depended on her, going to her for all of life's questions, struggles, and joys. He knew how much it would break me to be separated from her, and so, in His infinite wisdom and mercy, He prepared me. He gave me warning. He gave me time to cherish her, and He brought me close to her so that I could soak up as much time with her as possible. He gave me the greatest gift: the understanding that time was short. 

And because of that preparation, and through His strength, I was able to plan Mom's funeral, give the eulogy I had envisioned, and able to honor her through the grief. My inner heart of hearts had been prepared, and God's peace had settled in, without me even knowing it. 

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It should come as no surprise just how much Jesus loves me, but it did. 

I praise Him now, through the tears, for the mercy He showed me, and the gift He gave. I have no regrets with my Mom, we lived and loved fully, and I know in my heart that she know's how much I love her, and I know how much she loves me too. 

I know she is safe in her Savior, waiting for us in Glory, and standing in my cloud of witnesses, watching me run my race. My heart misses her so much, but I have God's peace, knowing this was His plan for us, knowing He saw her life through to completion, and knowing He'll do the same for me. 

I can face tomorrow knowing that The God of Heaven is in control. And He's the same God who goes before me, preparing me, guiding me, and laying my path. He has been faithful before, and so He remains.