I Remembered My Good God

"And He took bread, gave thanks and broke it, and gave it to them, saying, 'This is my body given for you; do this in remembrance of me.' 

In the same way, after the supper He took the cup, saying, 'This cup is the new covenant in my blood, which is poured out for you.'" 

- Luke 22:19 & 20

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I sat there in the back pew, my sweet baby girl sleeping peacefully in my arms, with tears streaming down my face. My oldest daughters looked over at me concerned, but I had no words to tell them I was alright. In that moment, all I needed was my Father whispering to my heart, telling me that He forgave me, telling me that He would bring justice one day, and that His death had already given me victory. 

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This last year, I've suffered a betrayal and pain that has worn heavy on my heart for months. There have been times when anger and pain have mixed freely in my heart, turning into bitterness, allowing me to loose sight of the joy I have in Christ, and in the beautiful life He has given me. This betrayal cut deep, and because of the scars it left, I've suffered with an unforgiving heart. 

I say suffer, because all the while, I have known better. I knew in my heart what God required of me, I knew the scriptures telling me to forgive, but I confess that this forgiveness has not come easily. I have battled with myself over this for months, torn between The Word of God, and my own broken heart. That battle is hard, when you know what you need to do, but have such a hard time doing it... 

"The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak" - Matthew 26:41

I knew what God required of me, and I found myself broken often, knowing that I was failing Him. My Jesus, who has given His life for me, and requires so little…yet, I couldn't do it. I couldn't forgive, I couldn't forget. 

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Today, in that back pew I was hit hard by The Holy Spirit, poking and prodding me to do in my heart what I knew I needed to do. Forgive, forgive, forgive…

I sat there completely aware and overcome with the knowledge that I was remembering my Savior's sacrifice for me, and how He had forgiven me and everything I've ever done and ever will do. And that's when the tears started to fall. 

When I came face to face with my Holy and Good God, with His crucifixion and death, and with His grace, when I remembered…

This is our God, The God Who forgave us of our sins, and died in our place…

The God Who gave up His life…

For me. 

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If He could do that for me, wouldn't He also help me extend that same grace and forgiveness to those in my own life? 

I sat there, heart exposed, and told God He needed to help me, because there was no way I could do it myself. 

And once I had prayed that prayer, I took the cube of bread, and I drank the juice, and I swallowed down the knowledge that my God had suffered and died, for me. I swallowed down the truth that God sacrificed His life, so that I could live. I swallowed down the grace that He had shown me, and the forgiveness that I knew was mine. And I swallowed down His peace, knowing that healing had begun in my heart. 

I ate of the bread, and I drank of the wine, and I remembered my good God.