In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior.
Your adornment must not be merely external braiding the hair, and wearing gold jewelry, or putting on dresses; but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God.
For in this way in former times the holy women also, who hoped in God, used to adorn themselves, being submissive to their own husbands; just as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, and you have become her children if you do what is right without being frightened by any fear.
You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered.
- 1 Peter 3:1-7
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I've often wondered if the day would come when I'd feel bold enough to write about marriage. I think the reason I have shied away from this huge aspect of my life, when I divulge so many other parts of my life, is because marriage, in general, is seen as a personal thing, and in most church circles, not a lot is said about marriage- just to tell you that you need to have a good one.
When Andrew & I first married, I admit that I was completely naive to understanding what it would be like to live with someone completely different than me. In our 6 month courtship, Andrew & I had never had a disagreement, and I thought that was how Christian relationships were supposed to be. A few months into marriage, though, I learned that disagreements can be a very real part of marriage, especially in the beginning, when everything is so new.
When we had our first "fight", I was completely broken, convinced that our relationship was flawed, and I wasn't the Christian God was calling me to be. I assumed that because Andrew & I were both saved, and loved each other, that nothing would ever come between us, but I had forgotten that Andrew & I are still just people, and people sin.
I learned that living in a godly marriage takes work, deliberateness, and a whole lot of dying to self. It was actually through marriage & parenting, that my biggest flaws have been revealed to me, staring me blank in the face, demanding change.
We all like to think that we'll be the perfect spouse, but the truth is, being a good spouse takes work.
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A "hot" topic in today's church is wives being submissive to their husbands. Many consider this "rule" for marriage to be outdated, considering we're in the 21st century, and women are seen as equals to men. The feminist movement penetrated the church long ago, and at some point, it became acceptable for Christian women to think that submission needed to be earned by their husbands, needed to be deserved, and was actually, a choice.
But this scripture is pretty clear, God says do it, and He doesn't give any conditions. In fact, He goes further and says do it even when husbands are "disobedient to the word"…does this mean when they don't deserve it? Yup, sure does. God doesn't leave any room for wives to choose an un-submissive stance. We are told to submit, period.
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I admit, this is hard for me. This is one of the areas that I have needed to be conscious of, deliberate of, because it is not in my nature to be submissive.
On the contrary, I can be quite forward, pushy, strong-willed, and quick to speak my mind. I come from a strong Italian and Irish background, and because of this influence, I speak loud and fast and with purpose. Though my natural speaking voice is high and childlike, my discussion tone is much different, and the two switch at the drop of a hat. It is not natural for me to sit still, quietly listening, while someone says something I disagree with, and I have been shown that those areas of my personality must be shed, must be refined, must come under the will of God, and change.
They have to change, because my husband has been given a place of honor in my life, and in loving him the way God intended, I need to surrender to my own will and nature, and submit to the man I married, the man I love.
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This is hard stuff, isn't it?
Learning to change the way you think, the way you act, the way you speak is not easy, but this is something God requires, and it's for our best. We always must remember that God doesn't give us "rules" to hurt us, but to lead us to the very best life He has for us.
God has very specific laws for marriage, has given very distinct roles to husbands and wives, for the purpose of edifying one another, and living in the harmony of a marriage set on the foundation of God. He has given us these rules not to hurt us, not to make us feel stifled, but to lead us to the very best marriage relationship possible, because He loves us that much, and desires for our marriages to be loving, kind, gentle, committed, and rooted in His truth.
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Look at the second parts of this verse, God tells women to submit first, and second, it's in the submitting that we learn to have a "gentle and quiet spirit" which God says is precious. We are told that it's through this submitting, that our inner hearts will change and reflect beauty, and the inner, true quality of a women, will be revealed. God tells us here, it's not the outside that I care about, and it's not what you should care about either. You need to care about your heart, your inner beauty, because this is where your worth lies.
This is beautiful for us, as women, because God is taking the pressure off of us to look a certain way, and live up to a certain worldly expectation, as if to say: "It's your heart that matters. Fix it, make it right, that's what will reveal your true beauty." Isn't that freeing? To know that God only looks to the heart?
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And finally, we see in the last section of this verse, how husbands are to love their wives. After we women have worked on our own attitudes and hearts, it is the husbands job to come along side us, and tenderly love us, and take care of us as the weaker spouse. God tells husbands here to show honor to their wives, living with her in understanding.
This is God's call to husbands, not letting them off any hooks because they are men. No, husbands are responsible too. Husbands are called to be gentle and understanding, which, much like in wives having to submit, is not necessarily natural for men to do. Men are not initially "wired" to be soft and gentle, understanding the feminine heart. But God isn't giving men an option here either. He tells husbands to get to know your wife, understand her, and take care of her heart. God puts the protection and care of a wife's heart, in the hands of her husband, and this is both a precious and weighty gift.
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Andrew & I have only been married for a year and a half, so I have to admit, that many of these things I am still learning. But God's word is clear, and when we desire what God desires, we must look to scripture as our guide, and do what it says. It will take work, it will take sacrifice, but I know the outcome is worth it, because I know Who my God is.
My God would never give us these rules to hurt us. He would never give us these roles to take away our worth. Just the opposite, God is giving us these guidelines so that we know the path we must take, and when we obey Him, we will live in the amazing love of a marriage that is blessed by God. God gave us this scripture to help us, to give us the very best life.
Who wouldn't want that?
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